Kevin Bacon has zero degrees of separation from himself. If you ask me, that’s a little to close for comfort.
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008 at 2:13 pm and is filed under General.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
A personal assistant would be nice. I would be the only person on my street with a personal assistant, if I had one. Being as it is, that I don’t have a personal assistant, MWG will do.
So I tell MWG, “I am sending you to Big Y. Get some ham and lettuce. And rolls. The objective here is that we need to make ham sandwiches. The family needs ham sandwiches.”
He goes. Comes home. Makes ham sandwiches.
Meanwhile I am busy. I am donating my blood, guts, eternal soul and several pounds of flesh to my employer.
Later the older kid tells me the ham sandwiches in this house suck. The ham smells funny, he says. He says he will not eat another bite of his ham sandwich -ever. I worry he has been poisoned by rotted ham. (I have my tender moments.) I encourage him to vomit.
I smell his ham sandwich like blood hound. It smells funky. Wrong. It doesn’t smell like a ham sandwich. There is tainted ham in this house. Be gone bad ham. It is tossed in the trash. All of it. We are safe. But that’s not good enough. No it isn’t. Other people are in danger. I can save them too. I called the Big Y store manager and told him he is selling bad ham. Evil foul-smelling ham. Fix it. Big Y . Fix it, I say.
Eventually MWG wants a ham sandwich and starts to make one by putting a roll on plate and a head of cabbage next to the plate, mayo and cheese too. He can’t find the ham. “Who ate all the ham?”
“I threw it away. Bad ham.”
“What?”
“True.”
“No. I just got that ham.”
“I know. I called Big Y and told them. I am like a hero to deli customers everywhere.”
“Great. What am I going to do with all this lettuce.”
People of BlogCo World. I have been ridiculously busy. Making money. I should have piles and piles of money at this point. Guess what? I don’t. Well what’s new? Could I be having twins in a chateaux in France? No, I couldn’t.
Could I have seen a car with a bumper sticker that said “I heart (I mean the heart symbol) vagina.” Yes, I could have seen that. Who drives around with “I Heart Vagina” on their vehicle?
Grade A Sub-Stupid People Who Should have their drivers licenses shoved down their mouths so the plastic card slices through their vagina-loving throats and gurgles blood into their stomachs and up all over their vagina-loving lips. That’s who.
Since the heart and the vagina are both human anatomical bits, and since the bumper sticker has a picture of a heart, shouldn’t it also have a picture of a vagina? I mean, just to be consistent.
So I bought a brand new car. I love it. I really love this car. It is the best car in the whole world. I can’t tell you what kind of car it is because very few people drive this car. I’m not saying it’s a rare and totally exclusive car, but for some reason nobody else is driving this baby. So if I told you the car – then you would, of course, immediately Google (Car name) + “Westen MA” + “Lady” and find me. You would want to do that, wouldn’t you? I know you would.
When I am on the Turnpike there are millions of Toyota-Hondas and Hyundais are like cockroaches coming out the wah-zoo, BMWs, Lexus, Acura, Saabs, Escalades. Mini-Coopers, what’s that other one? Mercedes – I am so tired of looking at them. Hundreds and thousands of silver luxury cars. Everywhere. Not my precious. Mine is special.
I adore my moonroof-leather-seats-6-CD-holder. I look so good in this car. All wheel drive. What else? Sporty style. I don’t know what kind of engine it has, but it’s a good engine – fast. The tires seem nice too. There’s tons of airbags hiding around in it and it gets lots of miles to the gallon.
For the past month I have only seen my car twice on the road. What I mean is I have seen my exact same car (differnt color) being driven around by only two other sharp people.
Rosalind, I am indeed jealous of your brand new bad-ass car. Jealousy is dripping from my finger tips I swear. The others may be too bashful to admit this to you but not me. I have very little pride. I AM JEALOUS.
I want to make some kind of a statement to all the “I Heart Vagina” bumper-sticker drivers out there.
I am seriously considering putting a bumper sticker on my brand new car that says “I Don’t Heart People With I Heart Vagina Bumper Stickers.” Too confusing.
“I Heart Penis.” Could do it in a tit-for-tat, goose-gander way— however I am sensing that an “I Heart Penis” bumper sticker could bring me unwanted attention, be terribly misconstrued and result in me doing a lot of explaining to dudes who are utterly and hopelessly missing my point and also lack any sense of humor. And who smell like a ham and cabbage sandwich.
I’m a little upset no one thinks I am driving a Porsche.
I’m not, of course, but I COULD be driving a Porsche, if I wanted to, you know. I’ve seen Porsches before, you know. I KNOW what they look like.
Special to Jr. Thank you for your interest in my new car, however you are wrong. I am also NOT driving a zoom-zoom Mazda, Susuki, Nissan 4×4. And just be clear I also don’t have a Toshiba-Sony Large Screen 96″ TV, Hibatchi Grill, Konica-Nikon Zoom Camera or a Kawaski Special “Hello Kitty” edition motorcycle. I have eaten Sushi once or twice.
Where are you? Not in an existential sense, although that would be interesting, physically, where are you?
I considered your bumper sticker suggestion and I laughed. However, ultimately, I am not liking it – for me and my car. It’s just not me, you know what I am sayin? It really doesn’t define me as the person I am. I am much more than that. I take long walks on the beach, when I am let on the beach. I look at the night skies and ponder my insignificance. I secretly listened to classical music for 8 minutes when I was scanning for a new radio station while driving in my new car.
As mentioned in the ad, this would be a fine bumper sticker to stick on someone else’s car. Do we have any volunteers?
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Hey everyone! It’s National Be Mean to a Horse Week.
Details here…
http://www.sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:23 pm
I’ll have an order of eggs with my side of bacon please.
Umm–Mr. Squirrel, would you care to join me?
Johanna, the N of the N
June 4th, 2008 at 9:25 am
My Bacon Number is pi.
June 4th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Sarah Jessica Bacon Pie Parker
June 5th, 2008 at 12:05 am
You can have a piece of my pie Mr. Squirrel.
June 5th, 2008 at 9:55 am
I like pie.
June 5th, 2008 at 10:49 am
pie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfOP-7KmRlw
June 5th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
That settles it! Where’s the flour? I’m going straight to work.
COW PIES FOR EVERYONE!!!!!
June 5th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
A personal assistant would be nice. I would be the only person on my street with a personal assistant, if I had one. Being as it is, that I don’t have a personal assistant, MWG will do.
So I tell MWG, “I am sending you to Big Y. Get some ham and lettuce. And rolls. The objective here is that we need to make ham sandwiches. The family needs ham sandwiches.”
He goes. Comes home. Makes ham sandwiches.
Meanwhile I am busy. I am donating my blood, guts, eternal soul and several pounds of flesh to my employer.
Later the older kid tells me the ham sandwiches in this house suck. The ham smells funny, he says. He says he will not eat another bite of his ham sandwich -ever. I worry he has been poisoned by rotted ham. (I have my tender moments.) I encourage him to vomit.
I smell his ham sandwich like blood hound. It smells funky. Wrong. It doesn’t smell like a ham sandwich. There is tainted ham in this house. Be gone bad ham. It is tossed in the trash. All of it. We are safe. But that’s not good enough. No it isn’t. Other people are in danger. I can save them too. I called the Big Y store manager and told him he is selling bad ham. Evil foul-smelling ham. Fix it. Big Y . Fix it, I say.
Eventually MWG wants a ham sandwich and starts to make one by putting a roll on plate and a head of cabbage next to the plate, mayo and cheese too. He can’t find the ham. “Who ate all the ham?”
“I threw it away. Bad ham.”
“What?”
“True.”
“No. I just got that ham.”
“I know. I called Big Y and told them. I am like a hero to deli customers everywhere.”
“Great. What am I going to do with all this lettuce.”
“That’s cabbage.”
“This is a head of lettuce.”
“No it’s cabbage.”
Silence.
Did you give the kid a ham and cabbage sandwich?
“Yes I did.”
“Well I’m not calling Big Y back to apologize.”
June 5th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
People of BlogCo World. I have been ridiculously busy. Making money. I should have piles and piles of money at this point. Guess what? I don’t. Well what’s new? Could I be having twins in a chateaux in France? No, I couldn’t.
Could I have seen a car with a bumper sticker that said “I heart (I mean the heart symbol) vagina.” Yes, I could have seen that. Who drives around with “I Heart Vagina” on their vehicle?
Grade A Sub-Stupid People Who Should have their drivers licenses shoved down their mouths so the plastic card slices through their vagina-loving throats and gurgles blood into their stomachs and up all over their vagina-loving lips. That’s who.
June 5th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
I wonder if corned beef and lettuce would taste funny?
June 5th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Since the heart and the vagina are both human anatomical bits, and since the bumper sticker has a picture of a heart, shouldn’t it also have a picture of a vagina? I mean, just to be consistent.
June 5th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
I don’t dare make a connection between the cabbage and vagina comments.
June 5th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
So I bought a brand new car. I love it. I really love this car. It is the best car in the whole world. I can’t tell you what kind of car it is because very few people drive this car. I’m not saying it’s a rare and totally exclusive car, but for some reason nobody else is driving this baby. So if I told you the car – then you would, of course, immediately Google (Car name) + “Westen MA” + “Lady” and find me. You would want to do that, wouldn’t you? I know you would.
When I am on the Turnpike there are millions of Toyota-Hondas and Hyundais are like cockroaches coming out the wah-zoo, BMWs, Lexus, Acura, Saabs, Escalades. Mini-Coopers, what’s that other one? Mercedes – I am so tired of looking at them. Hundreds and thousands of silver luxury cars. Everywhere. Not my precious. Mine is special.
I adore my moonroof-leather-seats-6-CD-holder. I look so good in this car. All wheel drive. What else? Sporty style. I don’t know what kind of engine it has, but it’s a good engine – fast. The tires seem nice too. There’s tons of airbags hiding around in it and it gets lots of miles to the gallon.
For the past month I have only seen my car twice on the road. What I mean is I have seen my exact same car (differnt color) being driven around by only two other sharp people.
I think I’ve said quite enough about my car.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
I don’t want to sound like I am bragging about my car. I really don’t. I hate car braggers.
However, if you want to let me know how jealous and inadequate you feel because you don’t have my new car, that would be okay.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Squirrel. I didn’t see you there. This is your blog and all, but what are you doing up so late?
June 5th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Rosalind, I am indeed jealous of your brand new bad-ass car. Jealousy is dripping from my finger tips I swear. The others may be too bashful to admit this to you but not me. I have very little pride. I AM JEALOUS.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Also, Squirrel doesn’t stay up after 10:00 for just anyone. Have you noticed?
You’re quite special to him.
I’m glad you’re back too. Miss your postings.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
Squirrel, women everywhere thank you for not making a vagina-cabbage connection.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
I want to make some kind of a statement to all the “I Heart Vagina” bumper-sticker drivers out there.
I am seriously considering putting a bumper sticker on my brand new car that says “I Don’t Heart People With I Heart Vagina Bumper Stickers.” Too confusing.
“I Heart Penis.” Could do it in a tit-for-tat, goose-gander way— however I am sensing that an “I Heart Penis” bumper sticker could bring me unwanted attention, be terribly misconstrued and result in me doing a lot of explaining to dudes who are utterly and hopelessly missing my point and also lack any sense of humor. And who smell like a ham and cabbage sandwich.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Nony -
Thank you for being insanely jealous of my new car. I will think of you whilst I make my first car payment.
Night-night.
June 6th, 2008 at 12:14 am
R
Enjoy yer new Mitsubishi…
June 6th, 2008 at 3:02 am
The perfect bumper sticker for Rosalind’s new car. To hell with those vagina lovers.
http://www.cafepress.com/buy/sex/-/pv_design_prod/id_10671373/p_storeid.44514303/pNo_44514303
June 6th, 2008 at 7:39 am
I bet it’s one of those new Ford Unusuals
June 6th, 2008 at 8:36 am
I’ve got that song stuck in my head again. What’s it called . . . The Girl from Escanaba?
June 6th, 2008 at 8:38 am
Minnetonka?
Where the hell is the walking girl walking from?
June 6th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Rosalind is here. NY is here. Where the hell is Dr. Spotman?
June 6th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
On my way back to work, I saw a guy in a Smart car doing something stupid. Is that supposed to happen?
June 8th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I think Dr. Spotman is now working on his second million dollars.
June 8th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Squirrelman,
What are you doing to stay cool today? Was that you I saw resting under my crab apple tree earlier today?
N
June 9th, 2008 at 8:39 am
To stay cool on Sunday, I stood on a ladder and slapped paint on the house. It wasn’t really that effective, to be honest.
June 9th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Didn’t you just paint that house a year or two ago? Remember? Squirrel grey with white trim and a blood shot eye red door.
Why paint it again?
June 10th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
This year, I’m painting the other side. Next year, I will paint the other other side.
June 11th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Oh. I guess that makes sense. So you do 1 side per year?
June 15th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I’m a little upset no one thinks I am driving a Porsche.
I’m not, of course, but I COULD be driving a Porsche, if I wanted to, you know. I’ve seen Porsches before, you know. I KNOW what they look like.
Special to Jr. Thank you for your interest in my new car, however you are wrong. I am also NOT driving a zoom-zoom Mazda, Susuki, Nissan 4×4. And just be clear I also don’t have a Toshiba-Sony Large Screen 96″ TV, Hibatchi Grill, Konica-Nikon Zoom Camera or a Kawaski Special “Hello Kitty” edition motorcycle. I have eaten Sushi once or twice.
June 15th, 2008 at 10:18 am
NY -
Where are you? Not in an existential sense, although that would be interesting, physically, where are you?
I considered your bumper sticker suggestion and I laughed. However, ultimately, I am not liking it – for me and my car. It’s just not me, you know what I am sayin? It really doesn’t define me as the person I am. I am much more than that. I take long walks on the beach, when I am let on the beach. I look at the night skies and ponder my insignificance. I secretly listened to classical music for 8 minutes when I was scanning for a new radio station while driving in my new car.
As mentioned in the ad, this would be a fine bumper sticker to stick on someone else’s car. Do we have any volunteers?
June 15th, 2008 at 10:21 am
I fear Dr. Spotman is lost. Wherever he is, we know he is funny.
Let us bow our heads and pray.
If you are not of the head-bowing and praying persuasion, do what you do and think of the good times we had with Dr. Jonesey Spotman of Baton Rouge.
God Speed Jonesey!
June 15th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Squirrel -
You do know that you are basically painting your house for entire life.
House = Moby Dick
Squirrel = Captain Ahab
June 16th, 2008 at 8:41 am
But my house is gray.
June 16th, 2008 at 8:42 am
There IS a harpoon sticking out of one side, though. It’s uncanny how you know these things.