Distracted Driving
I’m holding a scratch lottery ticket in one hand and my cellphone in the other hand, and I’m steering the JesusChrysler with my knees. I can’t see the road because I’m tailgating a garbage truck.
It’s a TrashCo truck. Paper is flying from it’s back end and fluttering down around me. Apparently, TrashCo removes paper from the bin at the end of your driveway and then recycles it onto the streets of your neighborhood. No matter. It takes more than fluttering paper to stop a JesusChrysler.
At the traffic light in the center of town, the truck turns right and I turn left. Before I can straighten the wheel, I hear a pop, and my right front tire starts flopping like Manu Ginobili. I limp into Jimmy’s Gulf station.
Jimmy is an experienced auto mechanic. He explains complex problems in terms the average guy can understand. “Cars do two important things,” he tells me. “They go and they stop. If your car stops going or stops stopping, then you’ve gotta bring it to me.”
“But if my car stops going, how am I supposed to bring it to you?”
Jimmy ignores the question. With a pair of pliers, he extracts three nails from my flat tire. He says, “Dick Dastardly & Muttley used to pull shit like this in that Wacky Races cartoon. It’s a simple but effective way to eliminate tailgaters.”
“Those guys quit the cartoon gig,” I say. “They’re driving a TrashCo garbage truck now.”
Jimmy patches the tire and gets me back on the road. As I resume my commute, I wonder how many other law-abiding tailgaters will be sidelined by TrashCo today. Anyone could fall for their junk — the fluttering paper up high, and then the tack attack down low. They got me—I admit it—but it wasn’t because of their little distraction. I was much too busy with my phone and my lottery ticket to fall for a cheap stunt like that.
June 9th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
About an hour ago I looked out my front door. I just wanted to check my pansies, geraniums and roses. As I was doing my check I noticed something. There was something but alas today my eyes don’t focus as quickly as they once did. I thought what the heck? That’s an awfully big bug and its wierd the way he just stays in one spot. Hmm. Before I knew it my focus kicked in and I realized it was a humming bird. Cutest little thing. I think he/she sensed me watching it and quickly took off in the other direction. “Don’t go!” I said. “I just want to look at you.”
The little guy/gal seemed to say, “Tough!” as he/she flew away.
June 9th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
I’m going to put out a humming bird feeder tomorrow.
Are humming birds polite or are they very aggressive? I mean having them outside my front door, is that a good idea?
June 10th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
They’re fine until you get a few drinks into them.
June 14th, 2008 at 10:37 am
COME ON PEOPLE! THIS IS GETTING BORING.
SOMEONE QUICK, POST SOMETHING FUNNY!!!!!
June 15th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Squirrel -
The Jesus Chrysler, how old is it? I bet you wouldn’t tailgate a trash truck if you had a new car. You would respect it and drive it with two hands (at 10 and 2 o’clock) and not with your knees, wouldn’t you?
I don’t even want to hear about what you do with your seatbelt in the JesusChrysler.
June 15th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Mark Wahlberg should have a large ragweed plant shoved-up his ass for acting like a severe thumb-sucking pantywaist in “The Happening.” Beyond awful. “The Happening” is the worst movie I have seen since MWG rented – “The Cook,The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover.”MWG thinking “The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover” was soft porn and hoping it would create a “mood for pleasure” in my mind, which it did not. It enraged me with it’s incredible awlfulness and it remained for many years was my worse movie. (Not counting “The Pokemon Movie and other assorted cartoon-kiddie movies). “Cast Away” was also one of my worst movies but that has dissipated with time because of the redeeming quality of the plane crash scene which was worth 10 minutes of my life.
Motion Picture Academy needs to put some hard justice down on M. Night Shyamalan. For the crime of showing the public a movie with no plot, trees grass and bushes and actors wrinkling their foreheads for two hours, Shyamalan should be sentenced to watch the scene of Julie Andrews running around bucolic mountain tops singing “The Hills are alive with the Sound of Music” for 850 times. No less. Why 850 times? Because it cost me $8.50 to see his stinking crapola.
June 15th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Rosalind,
Perhaps its time for the Squirrel to go out and get himself a new set of wheels. Seems to me the J.C. mobile has been around for a long, long time. Maybe that’s what he needs to get himself out of his funk–a new set of wheels. Every man is less funky when he’s got a new set of wheels. During the midlife crisis era of their lives a red sporty version of a new auto is just the lift they need.
New wheels for Squirrel!
N
June 15th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
If you must steer with your knees, it’s important to keep the knees in the 4 and 8 o’clock postions. Remember, safety first!
June 15th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
The bucolic Julie Andrews scene wasn’t a terrific plot-pusher either, but at least there was plenty of nudity. Nudity and sex are the only things that can redeem a movie with no plot.
June 15th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
I got through my entire mid-life crisis without buying a car. I was much too wise to spend so frivolously. I invested my crisis cash in strippers.
June 15th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Once again Sire, you’ve made a brilliant choice. It is no wonder that you are the fearless leader of BlogCo.
C. Munkey
June 15th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
And the Light shall show us the way out of the darkness. Sire you are our light.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
I am thinking today is Friday. What am I thinking that?
June 17th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Because tomorrow is Wednesday?
June 17th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Thanks for clearing that up for me. Now my head is clear.
March 14th, 2010 at 11:27 pm
Excellent ideas here, have emailed my mum so expect a big reply!!