Letter to Noah
Mr. Noah Webster,
spelling reformer, word monkey and child actor (retired)
c/o the afterlife
Dear Mr. Webster,
I’m very sorry to hear that you’re still dead. I had an excellent idea today, and I wanted to share it with you. It a word thing.
Here’s the gist:
First, I will list the 70,000 words I’ve had to invent over the years to fill the gaps you left in the English language. This list of fake words will include such favorites as Neurotica, and Lambatomy and Passhole. When the list is complete, I will make and eat a chicken sandwich. After the sandwich (ATS), I’ll jot down meanings for each of the fake words I listed before my sandwich break. That should take me right up to dinner time. Since this paragraph is already running long, I’ll have my summer intern, Rosemary Chickenbreasts, arrange my fake words in alphabetical order while I prepare dinner. Finally, I’ll stuff the words, definitions and perhaps a few bits of mustard into a big compendium of fake words called a “Fictionary.”
Send me a message if you dig it, Noah.
P.S.: I enjoyed your TV program.
April 24th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Where is Mr. Webster today?
I’ll tell you where. He is buried in the Springfield Cemetary. Perhaps it is a little known fact that Mr. Webster lived in Springfield and his remains ‘remain’ in the same city’s historic cemetary. This explains the reason why the correct pronounciation of words/sounds throughout this great country of ours is consistent with our own here in the Pioneer Valley. As you watch and listen to the evening news the dialect you most frequently hear is ours and that is the reason for it. Rumor has it that our dialect is most closely related to that of Elizabethean English.
Now Squirrelman, could it be that your ancestor (the one with the really wierd name) might have been friendly with Mr. Webster and might he possibly be buried in the old Springfield Cemetary?
April 24th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Squirrelman,
You could take a trip to the Springfield Cemetary to pay Mr. Webster a visit and speak to him directly. He has plenty of time and he ain’t goin’ no where anytime soon.
N
April 25th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Mister Squirrel,
I would like you to ask our little Rosalind if she might so very graciously requisition the new Squirrel’s Fictionary for each of our Naughties’ desks. I think this is oh so very important for the broadening of their minds. Yes the new fictionary is crucial to their academic development.
Thank you kindly,
S. Marm
April 25th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Each of the naughties will have an autographed copy of the Fictionary. Em, it isn’t quite ready yet, though. I can’t seem to think of enough fake words.
April 25th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
AUTOGRAPHED COPIES OF MR. SQUIRREL’S FICTIONARIES FOR EVERYBODY!!!!!!
HIP HIP HOOOOOOOORRRRAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
April 26th, 2008 at 12:00 am
Hmmmm. I wonder what we’ll do with our Fictionary?
April 26th, 2008 at 12:01 am
Not to worry Johanna. Mister Squirrel will tutor each one of you Naughties personally in how a fictionary is to be used.
S. Marm
April 28th, 2008 at 9:52 am
and then I will take them over my knee and spank them with a birch switch.
April 28th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Was Noah Webster into animals? Did he build an ark?
April 29th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Will the rain we’ve been experiencing these last couple days along with whatever may lie ahead in the near future warrant the building of an ark?
April 29th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Noah Webster into animals? My goodness, I don’t believe it.
April 29th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Can you think about a new fictious word about that for another entry into your fictionary?
You could be looking at a real money maker here.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Cancel any plans for building an ark. The rains have stopped.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
Shit, what am I gonna do with the one in my front yard?
May 1st, 2008 at 9:10 am
Use it for a planter and then should the need for an ark arrive you will be prepared. The only problem, it might be a tax liability.
May 3rd, 2008 at 9:09 am
Re: The Lambatomy
Wasn’t this some sort of dance craze?
N
May 4th, 2008 at 1:09 am
They thought the cloud rat was extinct for the past 120 years but alas one has been found and I must say that for a rat he’s really kind of cute. Must be from the Squirrel side of the rodent family -eh.
May 4th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Sire:
Looks like you’ve been at work creating an army of squirrel-droids to do your evil bidding
http://gizmodo.com/386788/rocky-the-robo+squirrel-scares-the-hell-out-of-timid-woodland-creatures
May 4th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
There is a famous baseball player whose last name is pronounced Poo-holes. I know it’s very juvenile, but I laugh every time I hear that guy’s name.
May 4th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
The Lambatomy is similar to the forbidden dance, but it is slightly more pathological.
May 4th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Squirrelbots!
May 6th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
A funny thing happened at Mastercuts recently . . .
May 8th, 2008 at 10:37 am
…went to get circumcised but discovered that you already were???
May 8th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
This sounds like a discussion that only brothers could have.
LOL
May 9th, 2008 at 8:22 am
That’s not it, but you’re close.
May 9th, 2008 at 8:24 am
my boss had a rototiller. One day, it started shooting metal parts all over the lawn. Now it’s called the “rotokilla.”
May 9th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I will report soon. I haven’t quite finished making up the facts yet.
May 14th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Oh Mr. Squirrel, can I help you with your report? Maybe your big pencils need to be sharpened? Can I sharpen your great big pencils? I love sharpening pencils. Marm says I’m the best pencils sharpener in the class.
OOXX
Johanna the Naughtiest of the Naughties