I’m upgrading the blog today. If it disappears, don’t panic. That’s my job. More later.
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My car was in the shop this morning. Wife has to get to work ridiculously early so she drops me off at my work on her way. Wife drives off at 6:15. No one ever gets to my work that early. Newspaper is missing from our parking lot, weird but no big deal.
I let myself in, lock the door, and walk down the hall to my office. I hear voices coming from outside the building next to my office then I hear a woman crying. Then a man’s voice telling her several times to chill out so no one would hear her (they may have heard me get out of wife’s car).
I call 911 and explain the situation. 911 operator tells me someone is on their way and to call back if I hear more voices.
By this time the “couple” had moved outside our break room window behind the building. He threatens to crack her skull open. I call 911 again and as I am explaining this, a cop pulls up in front of the building. Cop runs around building, catches the girl, but the threatening man escapes. Cop radios in a description of a shirtless man fleeing on foot.
Long story short, cops catch the guy. He apparently was beating this woman up, probably before I arrived. I give a statement (the woman was not cooperating) and the guy goes to jail. I do not know if I prevented a more serious crime, or a solicitation (man’s shirt and underwear are still outside on our newspaper, the newspaper is spread out but unwrinkled, possibly a makeshift bed), but I think I stopped him from beating her up worse. Only crime that I have ever deterred.
3 police cruisers, a police SUV, and a firetruck showed up for all this. My faith in prompt law enforcement has been certainly been reinforced!
Grits kinda come powdered…although glazed is a darn good idea. Have you ever considered inventing food for a living, like how Clark Griswold in Christmas Vacation invents a cereal coating to keep the flakes crisp in milk?
Or like any concoction at Taco Bell? Their food designers are *brilliant*, and probably make a lot of coin, too.
I bestow upon you a short heroic cape. No it’s not a shrug, it’s like an old-fashioned Nurse Crotch-It cape thing.
I just went out to find a picture of a nurse cape and I landed in a bad hospital. I don’t wanna go back there. It made the latex nurse uniform here – http://squirrelking.com/blog/?p=81#comments
look like a band uniform.
Psst. Boss- the latex nurse uniform is gone. Does this mean I get a new uniform? Just asking.
My car went into the shop this morning too. Here’s why –
1. Need another set of keys. Someone (not me) lost the second set. Yes, there was a wide area search and I’m telling you the keys are lost. As soon as I get the new set, the missing ones will appear. It’s a given, but we must go through this annoying step.
2. Air conditioner blows refreshing cool air and then blows engine fume air.
3. The tires don’t feel right.
I am responsible for everything except for porn viewing and car maintenance. If it has something to do with a car, MWG must deal with it. It’s a thing we have worked out.
MWG pushed me out of the house too early this morning. I had to follow him to the garage to drop off the car. “But I haven’t washed my face,” I say.
He says, “Gotta go.”
Get to the place and counter man says “Sir would you like a complimentary ride to your office in our sparkling clean van this morning?”
These naughty nurses have stainless steel instruments and enough latex to cover a football field. If you want them to spill beans on you, they can do that too.
Overheated yesterday while I was paying for lunch at a drive-thru. Got my food, parked my car, then walked 1/2 mile back to work. Later I added some water to coolant reservoir and drove it to service place. Mechanics couldn’t diagnose it yesterday afternoon so they kept it overnight.
Just talked to the service place and they *still* can’t find why it overheated and it won’t overheat for them. Maybe nothing is wrong with it and some fluke of nature or divine force drained my coolant. I don’t normally believe in fate but had my car not overheated or had the mechanics fixed what was wrong with it yesterday, I would not have been at work as early as I did to find the abusive man and the woman behind our building.
Eh, just noticed I also called her a “girl” earlier — I only saw her back and she was short. Cops did not elaborate on her age. Young woman would have been the most appropriate term.
That was very good fate. Young woman may never know.
Even when you are where you should be at the usual time with a car in perfect working order, you’re probably doing something to push back the tide of evil and you don’t even know it.
Holy Moly – that was as goofy and profound as any Hallmark card could be.
It’s not what you know, it’s who you know around here:
Coworker’s wife works in the local courthouse and they both know lots of cops. Just found out through the grapevine that the guy who beat up the young woman was out on parole (surprise, surprise) so he will be staying behind bars for a while now.
If anyone is interested I could tell you a little more about the 80 year-old lady who was jonesing for a tomato aspic. Me and her, we spent some quality time together in a big ole fancy beach house.
While I’m waiting, let me say that everyone in the Sears Screw Department must die for shipping totally inadequate little Kenmore screws with their Kenmore air conditioners — little srews which are supposed to fasten the two Kenmore accordian side-thingies to the metal outer casing of the Kenmore air conditioner, but which simple spin and spin no matter how much G&T torque a guy applies.
My first sleep-away summer job. Let’s see who was there? There was me –Teenager Rosalind, The Old Aspic Lady, a different lady who was the Cleaning Lady and the man who was the Gardner Guy at the Mausoleum-Summer Beach House.
I don’t know what my job was. I told The Old Aspic Lady I couldn’t cook. I think I was supposed to keep an eye on her and do stuff that the other two helpers refused to do. I made her sandwiches and drove her around – so I was like a deli-chauffer person.
Besides forcing me to create an Emergency Aspic, she learned me good about cocktail biscuits. Yeah, I said the same thing, “Christ Almighty what’s a cocktail biscuit?”
First day on the job at 3pm sharp she asks me to bring her some cocktail biscuits and a cocktail. She wanted a gin and tonic. (Mother of Lucy – The Old Aspic Lady taught me about tonicking too.)
I’m sweating and quietly crying and frantically flipping through cookbooks. I make a whispered telephone call to my mom and dad (had to leave a message – they weren’t home). I don’t know what the fuck a cocktail biscuit is and I’m gonna be sleeping at the bus station if I don’t get one. I decide to make Bisquick Biscuits.
About later three hours later, “Here you go Mrs. Lady, (I didn’t call her Old Aspic Lady to her face), here’s a nice tray of two dozen hot Bisquick Biscuits and a tall jingling gin and tonic with a lime twist.”
I was such crappy old lady watcher; she had fallen asleep waiting for her treat.
She grabbed the gin and tonic as if it was life preserver and looked at me like I handed her Arsenic Plops.
Her whole body went into pinched-mode and she said, “PLEASE get me the COCKTAIL biscuits, not BISCUIT BISCUITS.”
Mentally I’m going, “I want my mommy. I want my mommy.” Over and over again.
The Lady finally broke rank with her blue-blood compadres and gave it up, “Get me some Potato Chips, Pretzels and those orange Cheeto sticks.”
I want to say she clapped her hands three times and waved me out of the room, but I would be exaggerating.
If you’re in a dark, dungeon, mopey bar that’s coated with beer and with filled with dart players and leather aficionados, hold back on that cocktail biscuit line. Especially if you don’t see any, what we would call “Snacks” or “Munchies” on the bar.
June 29th, 2005 at 9:20 am
Holy crap, it worked. Remember, do not delete the wp-config.php file or YOU DIE.
June 29th, 2005 at 9:31 am
Off topic warning…
My car was in the shop this morning. Wife has to get to work ridiculously early so she drops me off at my work on her way. Wife drives off at 6:15. No one ever gets to my work that early. Newspaper is missing from our parking lot, weird but no big deal.
I let myself in, lock the door, and walk down the hall to my office. I hear voices coming from outside the building next to my office then I hear a woman crying. Then a man’s voice telling her several times to chill out so no one would hear her (they may have heard me get out of wife’s car).
I call 911 and explain the situation. 911 operator tells me someone is on their way and to call back if I hear more voices.
By this time the “couple” had moved outside our break room window behind the building. He threatens to crack her skull open. I call 911 again and as I am explaining this, a cop pulls up in front of the building. Cop runs around building, catches the girl, but the threatening man escapes. Cop radios in a description of a shirtless man fleeing on foot.
Long story short, cops catch the guy. He apparently was beating this woman up, probably before I arrived. I give a statement (the woman was not cooperating) and the guy goes to jail. I do not know if I prevented a more serious crime, or a solicitation (man’s shirt and underwear are still outside on our newspaper, the newspaper is spread out but unwrinkled, possibly a makeshift bed), but I think I stopped him from beating her up worse. Only crime that I have ever deterred.
3 police cruisers, a police SUV, and a firetruck showed up for all this. My faith in prompt law enforcement has been certainly been reinforced!
June 29th, 2005 at 9:56 am
A sad story, but a good deed. Sir, I present you with the Golden Acorn Award.
If this had happened in Sprngfield (our fair City of Smells) you might still be waiting for the police to arrive.
June 29th, 2005 at 10:10 am
I am honored by the Golden Acorn Award. I hereby donate it to all the good cops out there.
I am lucky that the police/fire departments know exactly where my office and home are (both are on shortcuts between major streets).
June 29th, 2005 at 10:28 am
Do you guys have doughnuts down there?
June 29th, 2005 at 10:42 am
Krispy Kreme and lot of mom-n-pop places.
June 29th, 2005 at 10:44 am
We prefer grits.
June 29th, 2005 at 11:02 am
Do they make glazed, powdered, and/or jelly filled grits?
June 29th, 2005 at 11:03 am
While I was upgrading, I fixed that little thing on the bottom where the background didn’t match. (Dunno if that was bothering anyone but me.)
June 29th, 2005 at 11:14 am
Grits kinda come powdered…although glazed is a darn good idea. Have you ever considered inventing food for a living, like how Clark Griswold in Christmas Vacation invents a cereal coating to keep the flakes crisp in milk?
Or like any concoction at Taco Bell? Their food designers are *brilliant*, and probably make a lot of coin, too.
June 29th, 2005 at 11:49 am
Someone should make real doughnuts the size of Cheerios and then give them a catchy name like “Real Small Doughnuts.”
Okay, we can work on the name.
June 29th, 2005 at 11:49 am
Scott – Good job, seriously.
I bestow upon you a short heroic cape. No it’s not a shrug, it’s like an old-fashioned Nurse Crotch-It cape thing.
I just went out to find a picture of a nurse cape and I landed in a bad hospital. I don’t wanna go back there. It made the latex nurse uniform here – http://squirrelking.com/blog/?p=81#comments
look like a band uniform.
Psst. Boss- the latex nurse uniform is gone. Does this mean I get a new uniform? Just asking.
June 29th, 2005 at 11:54 am
Boss -
I could tell you where to find some really bad nurse uniforms – but I’m not gonna.
The bad nurse uniform people would WANT you to twist my arm, so that won’t work.
June 29th, 2005 at 12:31 pm
More foods should be made in the shape of donut.
Egg roll donut, cheese donut, pudding donut, sauted liver with onion donut, of course pizza donut, aspic donut, carrot donut. Okay I’ll stop.
Down with Sporks.
June 29th, 2005 at 12:33 pm
Bagels, cheerios and canned pineapple slices in their own juice, don’t have to do anything.
June 29th, 2005 at 1:01 pm
I want to know about the naughty nurses. Spill the beans. And as long as you’re spilling the beans, you may as well spill them on a nice pizza crust.
June 29th, 2005 at 1:04 pm
My car went into the shop this morning too. Here’s why –
1. Need another set of keys. Someone (not me) lost the second set. Yes, there was a wide area search and I’m telling you the keys are lost. As soon as I get the new set, the missing ones will appear. It’s a given, but we must go through this annoying step.
2. Air conditioner blows refreshing cool air and then blows engine fume air.
3. The tires don’t feel right.
I am responsible for everything except for porn viewing and car maintenance. If it has something to do with a car, MWG must deal with it. It’s a thing we have worked out.
MWG pushed me out of the house too early this morning. I had to follow him to the garage to drop off the car. “But I haven’t washed my face,” I say.
He says, “Gotta go.”
Get to the place and counter man says “Sir would you like a complimentary ride to your office in our sparkling clean van this morning?”
MWG, “No Filthy Face here can drive me.”
June 29th, 2005 at 1:11 pm
Boss -
These naughty nurses have stainless steel instruments and enough latex to cover a football field. If you want them to spill beans on you, they can do that too.
June 29th, 2005 at 1:12 pm
We must think of a better name for bean pizza.
June 29th, 2005 at 1:28 pm
Methinks MWG is funny, except for when Rosalind doesn’t think he’s funny, because he clearly couldn’t be funny then.
June 29th, 2005 at 1:45 pm
My car story:
Overheated yesterday while I was paying for lunch at a drive-thru. Got my food, parked my car, then walked 1/2 mile back to work. Later I added some water to coolant reservoir and drove it to service place. Mechanics couldn’t diagnose it yesterday afternoon so they kept it overnight.
Just talked to the service place and they *still* can’t find why it overheated and it won’t overheat for them. Maybe nothing is wrong with it and some fluke of nature or divine force drained my coolant. I don’t normally believe in fate but had my car not overheated or had the mechanics fixed what was wrong with it yesterday, I would not have been at work as early as I did to find the abusive man and the woman behind our building.
Eh, just noticed I also called her a “girl” earlier — I only saw her back and she was short. Cops did not elaborate on her age. Young woman would have been the most appropriate term.
June 29th, 2005 at 2:27 pm
Scott -
That was very good fate. Young woman may never know.
Even when you are where you should be at the usual time with a car in perfect working order, you’re probably doing something to push back the tide of evil and you don’t even know it.
Holy Moly – that was as goofy and profound as any Hallmark card could be.
I have not been drinking.
June 29th, 2005 at 2:29 pm
Concerning the naughty nurse bean pizza: would those be S&M Baked Beans?
June 29th, 2005 at 2:31 pm
Just don’t try to get an aspic cruller at Dunkin Donuts.
June 29th, 2005 at 2:31 pm
I have tons of MWG funny guy stuff.
After the garage this morning, I’m driving him to his office and he says, “You’re going this way?” He likes a different way.
Me, “I like to look at that house with the flowers.”
MWG, “I’m being kidnapping, I know it. Should we stop for rope? I want rope.”
He’s in a good mood and trapped in the car, so I say, “What do you like about our marriage?”
“Hum, tough one.”
“Well?”
“I like the new dining room table.”
June 29th, 2005 at 2:33 pm
An aspic stick, sure, but no aspic cruller.
June 29th, 2005 at 2:34 pm
what about the picture of Ted Williams?
June 29th, 2005 at 3:10 pm
I do not know what aspic is, but if you said it down here, someone might direct you to the bathroom tissue aisle.
June 29th, 2005 at 3:55 pm
It’s not what you know, it’s who you know around here:
Coworker’s wife works in the local courthouse and they both know lots of cops. Just found out through the grapevine that the guy who beat up the young woman was out on parole (surprise, surprise) so he will be staying behind bars for a while now.
June 29th, 2005 at 3:55 pm
You know what Einstein said about the South?
Everyone’s relative.
June 29th, 2005 at 5:33 pm
I didn’t know what aspic was until an 80 year-old lady ordered me to make her one. A tomato one to be exact.
It’s like flavorless jello with vegtables in it. Here this might help.
http://luncheonloaf.com/luncheonloaf/6/page/tomatoaspic.htm
There’s a fish version too – lookie http://luncheonloaf.com/luncheonloaf/4/page/fishmould.htm
BTW this is cool site. I just might get me a Shimmering Goodness Tomato Aspic T-Shirt.
June 29th, 2005 at 5:46 pm
Bad guy’s ass needs to stay in jail. Or he needs to get his ass beat on by someone twice his size.
Lemme smack a gavel on the bad guy’s skull and send him off.
I wouldn’t make a good judge.
June 29th, 2005 at 6:48 pm
If anyone is interested I could tell you a little more about the 80 year-old lady who was jonesing for a tomato aspic. Me and her, we spent some quality time together in a big ole fancy beach house.
June 29th, 2005 at 7:03 pm
The fish loat looks disgusting, but the loaf site looks nice.
June 29th, 2005 at 7:06 pm
Would you like to hear about The Old Aspic Lady?
June 29th, 2005 at 7:08 pm
Please say – yes.
June 29th, 2005 at 7:09 pm
Yes please.
June 29th, 2005 at 7:13 pm
well?
June 29th, 2005 at 7:13 pm
Thought you’d never ask.
One minute.
June 29th, 2005 at 7:17 pm
While I’m waiting, let me say that everyone in the Sears Screw Department must die for shipping totally inadequate little Kenmore screws with their Kenmore air conditioners — little srews which are supposed to fasten the two Kenmore accordian side-thingies to the metal outer casing of the Kenmore air conditioner, but which simple spin and spin no matter how much G&T torque a guy applies.
June 29th, 2005 at 7:24 pm
Duct Tape.
June 29th, 2005 at 7:27 pm
My first sleep-away summer job. Let’s see who was there? There was me –Teenager Rosalind, The Old Aspic Lady, a different lady who was the Cleaning Lady and the man who was the Gardner Guy at the Mausoleum-Summer Beach House.
I don’t know what my job was. I told The Old Aspic Lady I couldn’t cook. I think I was supposed to keep an eye on her and do stuff that the other two helpers refused to do. I made her sandwiches and drove her around – so I was like a deli-chauffer person.
Besides forcing me to create an Emergency Aspic, she learned me good about cocktail biscuits. Yeah, I said the same thing, “Christ Almighty what’s a cocktail biscuit?”
First day on the job at 3pm sharp she asks me to bring her some cocktail biscuits and a cocktail. She wanted a gin and tonic. (Mother of Lucy – The Old Aspic Lady taught me about tonicking too.)
I’m sweating and quietly crying and frantically flipping through cookbooks. I make a whispered telephone call to my mom and dad (had to leave a message – they weren’t home). I don’t know what the fuck a cocktail biscuit is and I’m gonna be sleeping at the bus station if I don’t get one. I decide to make Bisquick Biscuits.
About later three hours later, “Here you go Mrs. Lady, (I didn’t call her Old Aspic Lady to her face), here’s a nice tray of two dozen hot Bisquick Biscuits and a tall jingling gin and tonic with a lime twist.”
I was such crappy old lady watcher; she had fallen asleep waiting for her treat.
She grabbed the gin and tonic as if it was life preserver and looked at me like I handed her Arsenic Plops.
Her whole body went into pinched-mode and she said, “PLEASE get me the COCKTAIL biscuits, not BISCUIT BISCUITS.”
Mentally I’m going, “I want my mommy. I want my mommy.” Over and over again.
The Lady finally broke rank with her blue-blood compadres and gave it up, “Get me some Potato Chips, Pretzels and those orange Cheeto sticks.”
I want to say she clapped her hands three times and waved me out of the room, but I would be exaggerating.
The rich are different.
June 29th, 2005 at 7:34 pm
Maybe she thought your name was Biscuit, and she was just saying, “Get me a cocktail, Biscuit.”
June 29th, 2005 at 7:46 pm
Squirrel – you are a funny, funny man.
June 29th, 2005 at 7:58 pm
And by the way, I happen to have lost the duct tape.
June 30th, 2005 at 8:26 am
Nowadays when I’m sitting in a fluffy couch at an over-priced hotel lobby bar, I always manage to say, “Another bowl of cocktail biscuits, please.”
Try it, it’s fun.
June 30th, 2005 at 8:34 am
If you’re in a dark, dungeon, mopey bar that’s coated with beer and with filled with dart players and leather aficionados, hold back on that cocktail biscuit line. Especially if you don’t see any, what we would call “Snacks” or “Munchies” on the bar.
Keep mouth shut. Not safe.
June 30th, 2005 at 8:38 am
Actually that sounds like the perfect place to talk about cocktail biscuits and the pinky rule and such.
June 30th, 2005 at 8:41 am
Try it.
June 30th, 2005 at 8:42 am
Last night MWG tells me, “Look here at my nose.” So I look at his nose. “The plastic thing on the nose part of my glasses is hurting my nose.”
There is a tiny red mark on MWG’s nose.
I say, “Hum.”
MWG, “I really need sex. My nose hurts.”
June 30th, 2005 at 8:54 am
So after eighteen minutes of negotiating, we agree on time, place and costume.
I say, “Are you ready.”
MWG, “I’m ready, I’m ready.”
He adds, “Christ I’m ready if I just hear a word that rhymes with breast. Someone at work said they saw a bird’s nest and that did it for me.”
June 30th, 2005 at 9:37 am
Did someone say nest? Christ, I’m horny.
June 30th, 2005 at 10:33 am
Don’t say Carolina