Hangover
Recently, I found the following note taped to my office door.
Dear Mr. Squirrel,
What happens to our brains when we get hangovers?
Signed, the naughty girls
That’s a very good question, naughty girls. I’m glad you asked.
During the digestion process, your fine female bodies break alcohol down into its most basic components: vinegar and baking soda. Now try to remember that papier mache volcano you made for the science fair last week. If each of your skulls were a little pigtailed volcano, then your alcohol-soaked brains would be the lava burbling just below the papier mache surface.
Here’s the tricky part.
When vinegar (an acid) reacts with baking soda (a base), carbon dioxide bubbles form. These bubbles float all the way up to the top of the head, causing the brain to blow up like an angry bouncer. The swelling pushes the outside of the brain against the inside of the headbone, which causes the pigtails to tighten, which causes one heck of a headache.
I hope this answers your question, naughty girls, and I hope you will think twice before opening another case of School Marm’s Strawberry Hill Wine.
June 24th, 2005 at 8:58 am
Excellent chemistry lesson for the naughties. If I may be so bold as to offer another in the form of two walking, talking sodium atoms…
They are walking down the street when suddenly one of the sodium atoms loses an electron. He turns to his buddy and says, “Hey, I think I just lost an electron.”
Buddy sodium atom asks him, “Are you sure?”
He checks himself and responds, “Yeah, I’m positive.”
June 24th, 2005 at 8:59 am
Kiddies, math and science jokes will ingratiate you to your teachers. Extra credit and stuff. Only reason I am an engineer.
June 24th, 2005 at 11:09 am
update: still working on the State of the Blog.
June 24th, 2005 at 12:31 pm
Oh, oh Mr. Squirrel! I can’t believe what I’m hearing and seeing. Those godless little creatures snuck into my stash obsconding with a case of my best cheap strawberry wine. I must see Rosalind about securing a new lock for the door. I think I will need one with a double bolt and an alarm that senses one’s voice or something mysterious like that.
Oh Mr. Squirrel, I try and try and try with those little naughties. You know how hard I work with them. The same lessons over and over and over again but they remain clueless in the area of social graces.
Well perhaps the best punishment will be for them to sit up straight before me as I lecture them on being respectable women with their heads pounding from their wrong doings. Let me tighten my bun and I’ll get right to it.
Oh the agony of trying to get the message across to them when they don’t seem to have the desire to learn from a respectable role model.
June 24th, 2005 at 12:41 pm
Perhaps I should require them to put their hair in tight little buns. A well tightened bun can do much good to the wandering mind of a young woman. Hmmmm. I think that might do those heathenest waifs a world of good.
June 24th, 2005 at 12:56 pm
Mr. Squirrel, let me say to you once again what an extreme honor it is for my association with you. You hold the education of these young women in the highest esteem and that tickles the core of my being. You are always ready and willing to teach those little naughties a lesson or two. Look what you’ve done with their little devious venture. You’ve taken it and turned it into a science lesson.
I admire you so Mr. Squirrel.
Oh dear I think my bun needs tightening.
June 24th, 2005 at 1:01 pm
Marm,
Please don’t make the naughties respectable. They must be naughty. I rely on them.
June 24th, 2005 at 2:42 pm
Mr. Squirrel,
Are you saying that you rely on their naughtiness? Are you saying there is a purpose for their naughtiness? Are you implying Mr. Squirrel that I have not failed you uh, uh, uhum, them? Am I still golden in your eyes Mr. Squirrel? Might I still be eligible for School Marm of the Year?
Do tell Mr. Squirrel.
June 24th, 2005 at 2:45 pm
Yes, indeedy.
June 24th, 2005 at 2:47 pm
Yes, indeedy.
June 24th, 2005 at 2:47 pm
And
Yes, indeedy.
June 24th, 2005 at 4:07 pm
Oh thank you Mr. Squirrel. All my worry over disappointing you was for nothing.
June 24th, 2005 at 5:34 pm
Sire, are we any closer to recieving the State of the Blog address?
I eagerly await your word.
June 24th, 2005 at 5:45 pm
I’m close. Tomorrow, I think.
I have to take a few minutes off to win the lottery.
June 25th, 2005 at 7:58 am
I have a hangover.
Right this minute.
I was naughty and I have a hangover.
There. Now my post is 100% on topic.
June 25th, 2005 at 8:00 am
It’s getting long.
The State of the Blog Address, I mean.
June 25th, 2005 at 8:02 am
I need two adjectives to describe the state of the blog
June 25th, 2005 at 8:06 am
The words should begin with the letter S if possible
June 25th, 2005 at 8:20 am
Warning: I don’t think goof wif a hangover.
Should the words be like a happy, sunny, rolling saturnalia or stinking, sucky ones?
June 25th, 2005 at 8:34 am
I like Saturnalian.
Stupendous could work.
Silly is too little.
Serious, thought-provoking, roller-coaster ride for your mind and seat-twitching experience for your seat, where people repeatedly say, “Get in the punch bowl!” and no one gets punched.
June 25th, 2005 at 8:38 am
Stupendous comes to mind.
It’s early and I haven’t had my coffee. Give me my morning caffiene and I may think better. I might be able to think of another.
June 25th, 2005 at 8:39 am
See I’m not awake. Miss Rosalind posted stupendous already. Let me get my coffee and think for a minute Mr. Squirrel.
June 25th, 2005 at 8:41 am
I’ve got it.
1. spectacular
2. Squirrelpercalifragilistisexpialidocious
June 25th, 2005 at 8:43 am
Munkey –
I like it. That big long S word.
Need tea.
June 25th, 2005 at 8:46 am
I did my previous post without caffiene. I just hobbled into the kitchen smelled the perked caffiene and viola(!) there it was. I’m so proud of myself Sire.
June 25th, 2005 at 8:48 am
Thank you Miss Rosalind. Now we must await word from the Squirrel.
June 25th, 2005 at 8:51 am
Sire, did you win the lottery?
June 25th, 2005 at 8:52 am
Sire, it should be long. There is much happening here in the land of Squirreldom.
June 25th, 2005 at 8:53 am
Sire, one more thing. I’m giddy with delightful anticipation for the State of the Blog address.
June 25th, 2005 at 8:56 am
Dr. Scott Spotman was right, I should have had an Almond Martini.
June 25th, 2005 at 11:00 am
Question:
If you went to a porch last night for a party and left something important there, would you wear the same clothes back to the porch the next day to get the thing back?
Thank you.
June 25th, 2005 at 4:12 pm
Okay. I can’t wait any longer.
I’m changing my clothes and going over.
June 25th, 2005 at 4:30 pm
Good news Sire! It seems now that Ascroft has left the public eye and hopefully taken his little eagle diddy with him, the curtains covering all our countries nudie statues can be removed and are being removed. I believe this would be much to your liking O Great Squirrel. I just came across the news on the AOL home page news report.
Oh happy day for you Sire. Oh happy day indeed.
June 25th, 2005 at 4:59 pm
Oh my Lord it is so hot I can actually smell the heat. I’m going for a dip in the punch bowl and I’m going to turn on Marm’s fan. I feel the heat and it’s high time I cooled down.
Anyone care to join me?
June 25th, 2005 at 6:36 pm
I’m going to have a piece of pie and then get back to work.
June 25th, 2005 at 6:54 pm
Sire once again I must say at the risk of sounding like a broken record but I just can’t help myself, but here I go anyway. Once again the example you put forth in your work ethic O Great Squirrel is astounding to the mere mortals of this Blog and all of Squirreldom.
I am ashamed as I waste away my day in this unforgiveable heat floating mindlessly in the punchbowl while you continue to work. Oh Sire, is it your state of the Blog address? I have tears in my eyes just thinking about what is to come Sire. Oh Sire allow me to suck away on a citrus slice to comfort my discomfort brought on by my shame.
June 25th, 2005 at 6:55 pm
I humble myself before the great grey squirrel.
June 25th, 2005 at 7:41 pm
I need to stay off that porch.
June 25th, 2005 at 7:45 pm
Miss Rosalind do tell, did you lose something else over on that porch? Might it be something you can recover? I would recommend that if you continue losing things of value over on that porch your best bet would be to avoid that porch.
June 25th, 2005 at 7:47 pm
You could roast yourself and a pig in my attic. It’s hot up there.
June 25th, 2005 at 7:48 pm
The porch people are coming to my porch tonight. If they stay on the porch, I won’t have to vacuum anything in the house. I am about to vacuum the route from the porch to the bathroom. That should do it.
June 25th, 2005 at 7:52 pm
Munkey -
I got the thing back.
If some nincompoop forgets something on my porch tonight, then we’ll be even.
PS – MWG says the new zombie movie is good. He really likes zombies. I should act like a zombie and see if he likes it.
June 25th, 2005 at 7:56 pm
What if someone is in the downstairs bathroom and someone else from the porch really has to go?
I’m gonna have to let them use the upstairs bathroom.
Great. Just great. (Stomps feet madly.) Now I have to clean the whole flippity wicket house, in like 20 minutes.
June 25th, 2005 at 7:57 pm
Where is MWG when you need him?
Oh yeah, I sent him to the Ye Ole Spirit Shoppe.
He’s taking too long.
June 25th, 2005 at 7:58 pm
I just invented a new porch drinking game.
It involves a blindfold.
June 25th, 2005 at 8:07 pm
If you come to my porch and drink and then say, “Hey can I use the bathroom?”
I will quickly slip a blindfold on you, take your hand and walk you to the bathroom.
I’m counting on you needing the bathroom because you drank a lot. You won’t notice that you’re really not playing a game. The next day, you’ll remember something about a blindfold and think, “Gosh Rosalind’s a blast, I have good fun with her.”
June 25th, 2005 at 9:05 pm
Another idea. For ambience just light a few tea candles lighting the way from the porch to the bathroom and you won’t be in need of running the vac in this heat. It’s too hot to vac Miss Rosalind. You could break into a sweat and that won’t be attractive at all. Go with the tea candles.
June 25th, 2005 at 9:07 pm
Miss Rosalind, might I add that should you go with the tea candle idea it may be unwise to blindfold your guests as they gind their way to the bathroom.
June 25th, 2005 at 9:08 pm
Try the zombie thing. Let us know how it goes.
June 25th, 2005 at 9:11 pm
Rosalind,
Are you saying there’s a pig roast at Rosalind’s tonight? Are you planning to roast chipmunks too? Will chipmunks be wee snacks? Please tell me that this is just a misunderstanding. Please Miss Rosalind. Not the chipmunks.
June 26th, 2005 at 9:31 am
Today, I promise,
Damn it, the intern ran off with my pencil again. Johanna, where’s my pencil?!
June 26th, 2005 at 10:33 am
Strange. MWG woke-up blindfolded this morning.
June 26th, 2005 at 10:35 am
Told him it wasn’t me.
Everyone knows Zombies can’t blindfold people.
June 26th, 2005 at 10:50 am
If he was wearing a blindfold, how did MWG know it was morning?
Address still not done. May have to end it in the middle.
June 26th, 2005 at 10:57 am
I told him, “MWG, wake-up it’s morning. You’re wearing a blindfold.”
That made him cross and accuse me of “getting even.”
He was still sleepy, so I cleverly said, “What am I getting even for?”
MWG, “Let me think about that.”
June 26th, 2005 at 11:00 am
Too many distractions Sire?
June 26th, 2005 at 11:06 am
Boss -
Can the address be a two-parter?
Or big one with an intermission?
Or just end it with, “Stay Tuned.” (Giving you the option to continue, if one or more people beg for more.)
That wasn’t helpful, was it?
June 26th, 2005 at 11:35 am
Rosalind,
I like your ideas. You are thinking outside of the box and I suspect the Squirrel likes that though I could be wrong. You provide Him with many, many choices. He may choose to choose one of the them or perhaps it will signal the lightbulb in His brilliant mind and come up with another idea triggered by your ideas.
I suspect he will find your efforts very helpful though I do not mean to suggest that I could speak for him. We’ll all have to wait and see.
Chip Munkey
June 26th, 2005 at 11:36 am
Rosalind,
You didn’t roast chipmunks up in the attic last night did you? How’d the pig roast thing go?
June 26th, 2005 at 11:39 am
Miss Rosalind,
I suspect that MWG is hiding something in his back pocket. It certainly raises they eyebrow of suspicion.
June 26th, 2005 at 11:41 am
Munkey -
The Blindfold Game is fun, but it gets complicated.
At first, everyone didn’t mind sitting around drinking with blindfolds strapped around their heads. Then a drunken fool shouted, “I like zombies. Let’s be zombies!”
Excessive mindless stumbling started. Followed by groping disguised as normal zombie behavior. After a slap, the Head Zombie explained, “Groping is necessary. Zombies need to feel their prey, they can’t see good with blindfolds.”
I hadn’t fully transformed into a zombie yet, so I said, “Would militant nudists wear a blindfold? That was said to nobody because I couldn’t see anyone with my blindfold on, but the zombies who were still thinking a little bit, seemed to think I was talking to them and they went Tony.
After that, I went in the house and locked myself in the bathroom.
June 26th, 2005 at 11:51 am
Munkey -
Quick updates -
1. Bug candles would have been better than tea candles for porch drinking. Oh well, next time.
2. I never get in a box to think.
3. Nothing was roasted at my house. Furthermore, from now on. I’m only roasting Happy Cow patties, chickens that stay on the side of the road and anything that fits in a hot dog bun.
P.S. Smirnoff Ice (black) works in a pinch if no Gin and Tonics around.
June 26th, 2005 at 12:06 pm
You make some very good points Miss Rosalind and I thank you for the updates as well as not roasting chipmunks. You’re a good woman Miss Rosalind.
June 26th, 2005 at 1:32 pm
Hey Mister Squirrel, looking for something?!
(Johanna standing with her hands held behind her back and speaking in a teasing manner.)
It seems you’re missing a pencil Mister Squirrel. Guess what I’m holding behind my back Mister Squirrel!
June 26th, 2005 at 1:37 pm
Johanna! You get over here right this minute. You’ve broken a number of rules.
What’s that you say? You’ve got hold of Mr. Squirrel’s pencil! His magic pencil?! He can’t finish his state of the blog address without his magic pencil!
Oh Johanna, you are the naughtiest of the naughty! Let me have Mr. Squirrel’s pencil right now. Do you hear me Johanna? Give it to me right now!
Another thing you little naughty, you are sneaking on to mycomputer without permission!
What’s that you say? I never grant permission for naughty girls to use my computer! Well of course not! You must be able to recognize limits and you clearly have a problem with limits. Now bring Mr. Squirrel’s pencil back here right now.
June 26th, 2005 at 2:09 pm
Where is that Johanna hiding now? I must get that pencil back for Mr. Squirrel. The state of the blog address must be finished. The state of the blog depends on it.
Johanna, show yourself right now!
June 26th, 2005 at 2:33 pm
Mister Sssqqquiiirrrrrrlllllllllllll~
Where are you?
Teeeheeee, School Marm is running all over BlogCo looking for your pencil. Don’t worry Mister Squirrel. I’ve still got it! I’ve hidden it in a nice safe place.
Gotta go. I think I hear School Marm’s foot steps. She doesn’t know yet that those orthopedic tie heels of hers give her away every time. Our little secret ok Mister Squirrel.
I just love it when we have our little secrets.
June 26th, 2005 at 3:19 pm
Catch me if you can School Marm!
June 26th, 2005 at 3:21 pm
Johanna you are the naughtiest of the naughty. Stay OFF my computer and return Mr. Squirrel’s pencil to me this minute.
Johanna! Where are you hiding now?
June 26th, 2005 at 4:35 pm
Hey Mister Squirrel,
Are you lonely without your pencil?
I’m not lonely with it. The more I have it the more I like it Mister Squirrel.
School Marm is runnin’ around this place as crazy as a bunch of bees just shakin’ out of their hive. She wants your pencil. Ooops! Gotta go. I hear her coming down the hall.
June 26th, 2005 at 4:42 pm
Hmmmm. My computer’s warm. I haven’t been on it for a while now. Oh my gosh, look who’s name I see in the name space! It’s that little vixen Johanna. She’s been on my computer again.
Still there’s no word from Mr. Squirrel. His address is still undone. The heat and humidity is enough to disable the greatest of squirrels and our Mr. Squirrel is no different.
Mr. Squirrel where are you dear?
I’m doing my best to recover your pencil. It’s that Johanna. She’s always one step ahead of me.
June 26th, 2005 at 6:11 pm
Getting really really close.
June 27th, 2005 at 2:57 pm
Was saturnalian a M-W word of the day?
June 27th, 2005 at 2:58 pm
I thought I felt someone tugging on my pencil. It wasn’t entirely unpleasant, I must say.
June 27th, 2005 at 5:21 pm
Well you know the youngsters Mr. Squirrel. They enjoy teasing and taunting the adults. The love to flirt with men of distinction–even squirrel men. They mean no harm. Those young girls are trying to find their way though I do try to keep them on the straight and narrow. Oh Mr. Squirrel you know how hard I try with them. Trying to keep them proper and all. When they tug Mr. Squirrel, it’s just their way of saying “look my way Mr. Squirrel”. Which is probably the reason why it’s not unpleasant to you. They don’t mean to hurt you. They adore you and who wouldn’t?
June 27th, 2005 at 5:23 pm
Oh Mr. Squirrel, how fortunate the young naughties are to have someone offering them so much interest. You are so good with them. I’m getting very warm just thinking about it. Now where’s that switch for the fan?
June 27th, 2005 at 7:46 pm
Thank you kindly, Marm. You have a difficutl task and you manage it well.
By the way, I think the bad girls are adorable, too. I’m especially fond of their cute little bottoms.
June 27th, 2005 at 8:01 pm
Ohhhhh Mr. Squirrel. Thank you. I’m blushing.
June 28th, 2005 at 9:39 am
Saturnalia is one of my favorite words. It’s a highfalutin way to say unrestrained wild drunken orgy.
June 28th, 2005 at 9:42 am
I’ve liked both saturnalia and highfalutin since the beginning of time. And they go so well together.
June 28th, 2005 at 10:18 am
MWG bought the wrong size hot dog buns. He got extra-long Lanky Frank Hot Dog buns.
I looked at the buns and said, “You know what I’m thinking?”
He started laughing a lot and said, “I never know what you’re thinking.”
That caused me to laugh too much and I forgot what I was thinking, but I know it was funny.
June 28th, 2005 at 10:19 am
I hate it when people start laughing BEFORE you say something funny.
It messes me up.
June 28th, 2005 at 11:00 am
It sounds like a real time saver to me. Plus, you don’t have to remember any punch lines.