Channeling guitar lessons
I’m thinking about picking up the guitar again.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I’ve tried and failed several times before, so why do I think this time will be different? This time will be different because this time I will be learning to play the guitar WHILE channeling the ghosts of dead rock stars. My first teacher will be Phil Lynott, a dead guy who used to be almost alive enough to lead the 80s rock band Thin Lizzy. With the help of Phil’s ghost, I will learn to play “The Boys Are Back in Town” and all the other famous Thin Lizzy songs. Off the top of my head, I can’t think of any other famous Thin Lizzy songs, but dammit that’s Phil’s job.
Okay, I admit it, Phil wasn’t my first choice. I would have preferred to channel the ghost of former Sex Pistol John Lydon, but miraculously and inconveniently, Mr. Lydon is not yet dead. He isn’t a guitarist either, but who cares? Even the Sex Pistol’s guitarist isn’t a guitarist and the tunes still sound good to me. So sod off, you wankers . . . or something like that.
Now who is ready learn some scales?!
June 21st, 2005 at 5:08 pm
Getting on the scale has always been a scary prospect. As a matter of fact, it is for most women.
How does getting on the scale fare with you Mr. Squirrel?
June 21st, 2005 at 5:24 pm
Ah Sire I find myself once again more enraptured by your efforts for self improvement. Not that you are in need of improvement O Masterful Squirrel. You lead by example and not a heavy hand…figuratively speaking Sire I realize you have little claws rather than hands.
Not to offer you correction Squirrel but if you were to channel guitar playing would it not be more profitable to channel the likes of Jimmi Hendrix or Jim Croce or Buddy Holly or the Big Bopper or James Dean (did he actually play the guitar?) or anybody with more than one hit record? Not that I know better than you Sire but I’m just wondering.
June 21st, 2005 at 5:41 pm
Where oh where has Miss Rosalind been hiding?
June 21st, 2005 at 6:44 pm
Mr. Squirrel, are you in?
June 21st, 2005 at 7:05 pm
Hello. Just got in.
June 21st, 2005 at 7:57 pm
What channel’s are featuring guitar lessons?
June 21st, 2005 at 8:19 pm
Seems I’ve missed you again Mr. Squirrel.
June 21st, 2005 at 8:31 pm
It’s pretty lonely hanging around Squirreldom without the Squirrel. I guess I should put my feet up and watch some t.v.
June 21st, 2005 at 8:34 pm
Hmmm. Channel 22, Katie Couric is interviewing the Runaway Bride.
I’ll watch this and get some answers. Answers we’ve all been waiting for!
June 21st, 2005 at 9:14 pm
Runaway Bride doesn’t know why but therapy will help her find out and Mr. Squirrel is still no where to be found. Rosalind must have the evening off.
June 21st, 2005 at 9:27 pm
Still no Mr. Squirrel. I should probably get myself ready for bed. It is getting late and I must be up bright and early tomorrow morning.
Well,pleasant dreams where ever you might be Mr. Squirrel.
June 21st, 2005 at 9:33 pm
Here I might be.
June 21st, 2005 at 9:37 pm
Chippy,
I would be too star struck to learn from the ghosts of top tier dead rock stars.
June 21st, 2005 at 9:41 pm
Maybe the Runaway Bride meant to say that she hopes therapy will help her find out if therapy will help her.
June 21st, 2005 at 9:42 pm
Once again, I missed the Marm.
June 22nd, 2005 at 9:12 am
Well, here I am again but I’ve missed Mr. Squirrel. Good morning Mr. Squirrel. You must be up and out bright eyed and bushy tailed.
June 22nd, 2005 at 9:23 am
I’m sittin’ in me work chair. Sittin’ and typin’.
June 22nd, 2005 at 10:07 am
Are you sitting bright eyed and bushy tailed?
June 22nd, 2005 at 10:10 am
Munkey.
Not hiding. You might wish I was, because I just wrote a lot of words.
Johnny Rockets should attack the stupid Friendly’s near my house.
Hey, I found out where all the tan blonde Connecticut housewives go after they toss off their tennis skorts.
They flock to an outstanding collection of over 60 of the most coveted national specialty retailers and restaurants in a pedestrian friendly environment. (Mind you, you have to drive on three different four-lane highways to get there, but thank god you can walk once you’re there.) Even though you ARE in New England, The Shops at Evergreen Walk resemble a traditional New England village. The Shops at Evergreen Walk is sure to please you, except if you are a nudist because there’s tons of clothing stores on the Walk.
The Evergreen People, who are all devil worshipers, say that The Shops at Evergreen Walk are poised to take advantage of an ever-growing economy, an affluent population, and tremendous regional accessibility and they will use every trick in the book to take your money.
With my brown hair, I’m a special person here. Someone does need to watch her manners though; she shouldn’t whisper “Northampton.”
I bought some material with two holes. It’s called a shrug. Which is very appropriate because it’s simple yet complicated and it won’t stay on a hanger and it makes you say, “What is this?” with a little shrug. (Also bought two pairs of pants, but you don’t care about that.)
Boss- if your Bundt Pan Addict sister is visiting, you might care to know there’s a Williams-Sonoma waiting for her in the Evergreen Forest.
Starving, I walked myself to Johnny Rockets. It looks like this –
http://www.johnnyrockets.com/index2.php .
You get the idea. It’s 1950, I think.
Folks, these hamburgers and onions rings are very, very good. I wish Johnny Rockets lived near the home of Basketball. Sitting at the counter I’m Sandra Dee or Olivia Newton John. My waiter looks like he’s 14. He is paid to be friendly to me so I say, “Hey who’s Bobby taking to the prom?”
Waiter: “Giraffelina the exchange student from Brazil.”
Sandra Dee (disguised as me): ” I thought she was Russian.”
Waiter: “No that’s Baryshnikoffee.”
SD: “My mom got me a yellow chiffon dress.” Sigh.
Waiter: “Gee, I don’t have a girl to go with, if you’re not going…”
Smart kid, got a big tip.
June 22nd, 2005 at 10:32 am
Scott -
Are you on a stain safari at Motel 6?
June 22nd, 2005 at 10:40 am
A most excellent post, Rosalind®. The following questions (which follow) are my follow-up questions:
1. If they have tossed off their tennis shorts, are the tan blonde Connecticut housewives walking about in their naughty, frilly underthingies?
1a. Where can I find this pedestrian-friendly but shorts-unfriendly environment?
2. How does one wear a shrug? Does it come with instructions?
3. The lady in the with the two kids on the Johnny Rotten Rockets website seems to be saying, “Thank you Johnny, for saving my life with that Double Rocket burger and fries.” Or maybe she’s just excited about the “double rocket” concept.
4. The Sandra Dee dialog is outstanding. Caused a laugh-snort. (This is not a question.)
June 22nd, 2005 at 10:43 am
Scott –
Do you remember exactly where you saw the stripper with the lazy eye on or near Bourbon Street?
I bumped into this guy named Will and he wanted a stripper with a lazy eye for his birthday and I don’t think he got it. I’m doing my best to right wrongs and create cosmic justice and re-align the stars and be nice, so I though I would tell him precisely where to find a stripper with a lazy eye.
Thanks.
P.S. I don’t really know Will, so I’m not 100% sure he really wanted a stripper with a lazy eye for his birthday. My guess is that the seriousness of his desire is in at least in the 10-20% range.
Thanks again.
June 22nd, 2005 at 11:04 am
Squirrel Boss –
Thanks. It’s a good thing I did not go out drinking last night.
1. Despite the Northampton comment, I really wasn’t paying that much attention to the blonde Connecticut housewives, (BCH). I was doing some serious shopping. I’m sure some of the BCH were wearing frilly underthingies under their ugly skirts, but I didn’t lift one up to check.
1a. Here – http://www.theshopsatevergreenwalk.com/
2. I haven’t worn it yet. Almost strangled myself trying it on in the store. Sales lady insisted I looked the best I’ve ever looked, so I bought it. She is queen of the lying devil worshipers.
3. I think the choker around that happy mom’s neck should be tighter.
4. Thank you, again. Did anything shoot out of your face with the laugh-snort? I’m not giving up until I get a never before seen in public, belly-holding drunken, hooting laugh.
June 22nd, 2005 at 1:06 pm
Psst. Boss –
Little help with the wardrobe terms that confuse you:
Shorts = Short pants. Cut your pants and you get bloody knees and shorts.
Skirts = Get some bagpipes. Cut the inside seam. Careful. Remember what happened to your knees? Be very careful. Sew the inside seams together. No, not back together, the other way opposite sides. Voila – a skirt.
Skort = Put your skirt on over your shorts. People will think you’re wearing a skirt, but we’ll know better.
Shirt = The thing that doesn’t hang from your waist. Boys can take them off; girls can’t.
June 22nd, 2005 at 1:16 pm
Crap -
Meant to say – Skirts = Get some bagpipes. Cut the inside seam OF YOUR SHORTS.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Nude World and I haven’t been right. Sorry about that.
Need tea and lunch now and then time to either stuff the work down garbage disposal or do it.
June 22nd, 2005 at 1:18 pm
I do not believe in “skorts” or sporks.
June 22nd, 2005 at 1:28 pm
Fine. What kind’a religion is that?
Hope you’re not wearing an empty bagpipe around your waist right now. If you are, send a picture.
Must eat. Must work like a fiend.
June 22nd, 2005 at 2:02 pm
The Church of Skortandsporkatology?
June 22nd, 2005 at 3:02 pm
Here, briefly. Been slammed at work. Working with stains is so much funner than working with clients…back in a day or two when the dust settles.
June 22nd, 2005 at 6:28 pm
Mr. Squirrel, Mr. Squirrel,
Please whatever you do don’t, I repeat don’t scar those knees. Oh please Mr. Squirrel I just couldn’t stand the thought of those pleasing knees being cut up.
June 22nd, 2005 at 6:36 pm
Sire, have you considered recording your own version of this one hit record? You could call it “The Squirrels Are Back in Town”.
June 22nd, 2005 at 6:38 pm
Please I beg of you all, DO NOT encourage Mr. Squirrel to do anything that might result in him harming himself especially those adorable knees.
June 22nd, 2005 at 6:40 pm
Oh dear, I am dizzy with worry about Mr. Squirrel. I wish I had some news from him. Oh Mr. Squirrel if you can hear my pleas, please speak to me.
June 22nd, 2005 at 6:42 pm
I think it’s time for another State of the Blog address.
June 22nd, 2005 at 6:47 pm
Yes please Mr. Squirrel, address us. Address us all as only you can do.
June 22nd, 2005 at 6:55 pm
First I’ll have to find the speech writer. Is anyone in the punch bowl?
June 22nd, 2005 at 6:56 pm
May I please be excused from the address?
I’m going out tonight and I wanna wear my new shrug.
Let’s see how does this thing go? Is this upside down? No-no, that’s sideways. I just put my head through the same hole twice. I’m fine, just a mild choking sensation.
I still like it. It looks good.
It’s a very short black cape or a big black sleeve. Who invents this stuff?
Much better than the ugly jacket.
June 22nd, 2005 at 7:04 pm
I found the speech writer, but the speech writer can’t find a pencil.
June 22nd, 2005 at 7:36 pm
I think we’ll have to scale this down to a State of the Week Address.
June 22nd, 2005 at 7:59 pm
Rosalind dear, might you wear the new shrug to the state of the blog address?
Your head should fit through the hole nicely as the shrug itself draps gracefully over your petite shoulders dear. I think you’ll look marvelous in your shrug and Mr. Squirrel will appreciate your well attired presence. Think it over dear.
June 22nd, 2005 at 8:30 pm
Mr. Squirrel must be working on his address. His office door is shut tight with a glimmer of light seeping through from under the door. I can hear his little claws click click clicking away at the keys. (I’ve noticed that claws click louder than finger tips.)
Oh, how I admire his work ethic. That remarkable squirrel works like a dog and he cares for his cat as if it were his child. He is spectacular!
June 22nd, 2005 at 9:27 pm
Phew. This is gonna take a while.
June 22nd, 2005 at 10:00 pm
I’m getting sleepy. Time to put on the bed bonnet and night shirt to catch my zzzzzz’s. See you in the morning Mr. Squirrel.
Good night Rosalind and all the other regular and irregluar BlogCo employees.
Good night Mr. Squirrel.
June 23rd, 2005 at 7:13 am
Scribble scribble.
Lots of ground to cover.
Scribble.
June 23rd, 2005 at 7:14 am
Trash day. Must remember to drag stuff to the curb.
Scribble, scribble.
June 23rd, 2005 at 8:00 am
This sounds ominous.
June 23rd, 2005 at 8:26 am
Rosalind dear, Mr. Squirrel has been persevering on his address all night I believe. He is just amazing. I suspect this will be his best work ever.
June 23rd, 2005 at 8:29 am
Actually, I fell asleep with the light on.
June 23rd, 2005 at 8:29 am
I think I’m going to be fired.
June 23rd, 2005 at 8:31 am
Or there’s going to be a talk.
June 23rd, 2005 at 8:33 am
Fell asleep with my shrug and light on.
Can’t get the shrug off.
June 23rd, 2005 at 8:33 am
Rosalind®,
You have a “no fire” clause in your contract.
June 23rd, 2005 at 8:37 am
No doubt you fell asleep from over work Mr. Squirrel. I suspect you are far too ambitious for your own good. You must learn to set limits on the amount of work you do. You must stop pushing yourself dear.
I do look forward to the address.
June 23rd, 2005 at 8:37 am
Can you shrug it off?
June 23rd, 2005 at 8:39 am
I have an ambitious napping schedule, that’s for sure.
June 23rd, 2005 at 8:39 am
Mr. Squirrel has a point Rosalind. I think you must shrug off your worry of termination. Everything will be just fine. Much as I was given the impression that Mr. Squirrel was working all night long; they (the firing people) will suspect you have been working all night long. Wearing the shrug from the night before will be a plus. Not to worry dear. Not to worry.
June 23rd, 2005 at 8:41 am
Oh dear, I’ve been talking so much here on Mr. Squirrel’s blog that my bowl of shredded wheat has gone soggy. Ick! I abhor soggy shredded wheat.
June 23rd, 2005 at 3:59 pm
Honey Bunches of Oats with strawberries.
June 23rd, 2005 at 5:50 pm
Do Honey Bunches of Oats with strawberries get soggy?
June 23rd, 2005 at 5:52 pm
Somehow I just can’t imagine those little dehydrated bits of strawberries not getting soggy in your bowl.
More than that I can’t imagine a little squirrel munching on soggy strawberry bits.
June 23rd, 2005 at 5:52 pm
How is the state of the blog address coming along?
June 23rd, 2005 at 5:56 pm
Mr. Squirrel,
What is the status of our Rosalind’s termination? I believe her determination should erase any possibilities of termination.
Mr. Squirrel please see what you can do for our Rosalind.
June 23rd, 2005 at 5:57 pm
We mustn’t shrug off her worries to chance.
June 23rd, 2005 at 6:42 pm
This is the miracle of Honey Bunches of Oats with strawberries — those little berries puff up in milk, but the flakes and sweet oat clusters stay crisp and crunchy.
June 23rd, 2005 at 6:42 pm
Rosalind® cannot be fired.
She can get parking tickets, however.
June 23rd, 2005 at 7:30 pm
Is the Squirrel having a dry spell? I wonder. It has been two days since his last message. Can we expect anything new from our leader in the very near future?
Miss Rosalind I am standing in your corner in support of whatever your present cause is. You are far too valuable an employee to be terminated.
June 23rd, 2005 at 10:21 pm
Re: bourbon causing lazy eyes, or something
Most of the strip joints on Bourbon are divided up, fairly equally, into three categories 1) decent-looking transvestites trying to lure drunk dudes in for the shock of their lives, 2) all male revues for review by, um, males, or 3) fine establishments like the Mardi Gras near Squirreldom.
The place with the lazy-eyed stripper live advertisement was, I believe, a block or two off of Bourbon — nothing that classy can be found on Bourbon.
June 23rd, 2005 at 10:30 pm
WAY off topic here (I guess I am rarely on, sorry bout that): went out to a fancy steak and wine restaurant last week. The place prided themselves on one of the best wine lists in the country (cheapest bottle was about $60 — median price in the $200s). Since most of my wine bottles have screw tops, or come in boxes, I had never heard of any of their wines. I instead elected to order a not-nearly-as-overpriced martini. An almond martini. Highly recommended for the 21+ crowd of squirrels and chip munkeys.
Another almondy concoction for y’all’s consideration is called the Sicilian Kiss: 3 parts Southern Comfort & 1 part amaretto over lots of ice. Not recommended for the gin-n-tonicky as it is probably too sweet, but at 80 proof you don’t need much.
June 24th, 2005 at 5:58 am
You mean I can’t be fired no matter what?
I have blog immunity.
This could come in handy.
June 24th, 2005 at 6:48 am
Scott -
Welcome back from the Fourth Ring of Hell, (or is it the Fifth? I meant the one where you have to roll big rocks around.)
Yesssza! That’s valuable strip club recognizance. The New Orleans Department of Public Stripping and Works IS committed to equal opportunity. Three equal parts is good.
I sent Will to Bourbon. He needs to get off Bourbon.
When the business guys took me to the New Orleans strip club, I really, really wish we had ended-up in a good-looking, luring, transvestite club. Damn. Perhaps we did; I was staring at the exit sign.
Those good-hearted business chaps were nice to me. They really didn’t want to go out sampling the clubs, but when someone shouted, “Who says Rosalind needs to see stuff? She needs an escort!” – all their hands shot up.
June 24th, 2005 at 7:08 am
Scott –
You just reminded me that no one has taken me to a fancy prideful steak restaurant with intimidating wine. Lemme check the heavy hint ordnance.
I’m good. Ready.
I’m gonna order me an Almond Martini AND Sicilian Kiss at the Legion Hall tonight. It shouldn’t cause a big stir; they already talk about me funny there.
June 24th, 2005 at 7:11 am
Speaking of Sicilians, that Zamboni guy on the Spurs is a good foul-shooter. Huh?
June 24th, 2005 at 8:09 am
I’m going to test out my new Blog Immunity Powers –
I stand next to the TV while MWG watches the last three minutes of the Detroit vs. San Antonio Championship Trophy game, wearing only panties. No, I’m only wearing the panties.
He watches game intently. I stand. No talking.
He keeps watching. I keep standing.
My arms are not crossed like he needs to take out the garbage. My standing is more like a polite waitress and he can’t make-up his mind reading the menu, “Can I take your order sir?” – type of standing.
Spurs are winning, but something could happen. You never know. Lots of time-outs.
Still standing.
I’m tired of standing. Take one step away from the TV.
“Don’t move.”
June 24th, 2005 at 8:11 am
I think I just poked the envelope or shoved someone in the water or got myself in trouble.
June 24th, 2005 at 9:06 am
Did he want you to NOT move because the game was almost over and he wanted to rip off your tank top, or did he want you to NOT move because moving during the final seconds of the game is like begging the ball to roll through Bill Buckner’s legs?
June 24th, 2005 at 9:20 am
It must be the Bill Buckner thing, because the tank top was off.
Perhaps I should be clearer about what I look like when I’m wearing only panties. I’m wearing ONLY panties and my small…ah, umm, better not, this might not be covered under the immunity pass.
June 24th, 2005 at 12:49 pm
Rosalind dear. I’m so glad you are still with us. I just knew Mr. Squirrel values your contributions to BlogCo far too much to ever let you go. Besides dear you’re needed. There’s a problem with the lock to my uh hum, private area. It seems the naughties broke the lock and got into my private stash of my best cheapest strawberry wine. I will be needing a new lock, a double bolt might be good. I would like some type of alarm on this too. Perhaps voice activated or something or maybe using a picture of my cornea like they do on Alias or my thumb print or something intriguing like that. I must keep those naughties on the right path to righteousness.
Thank you Rosalind. You are a dear. I trust you’ll get right on it.
June 24th, 2005 at 2:15 pm
Marm -
Let me get this straight, you want me to get right on your private stash area?
(I love having blog immunity.)
June 24th, 2005 at 2:44 pm
Well dear, my private stash area requires a lock. It must be an extra safety feature lock. One that the naughty girls won’t be able to worm their little way into.
Thank you Rosalind. You are a dear.
June 24th, 2005 at 2:56 pm
Marm –
Are you like Julie Andrews in reverse?
You sound like a man pretending to be a woman pretending to be a man.
(That would be the Julie Andrews of Victor / Victoria, not one of my Julie favorites…)
June 24th, 2005 at 3:02 pm
I can do that.
First, I jump right on your private area. Check.
I wanna jump about 800 times. Okay?
Then I throw a massive safe with a lock on it right smack-dab in the middle of your precious area. Check.
Now I wanna jump some more. Yippee!
Has the worming stopped?
June 24th, 2005 at 4:02 pm
Above ^ – it sounds more painful than funny. It was supposed to be funny.
Marm, are you okay?
I’m going to the store for the lock right now.
June 24th, 2005 at 4:09 pm
No dear. I am clearly a woman pretending to be a woman pretending to be a woman.
June 24th, 2005 at 4:18 pm
Well I don’t know that the jumping will help my private stash. I keep my stash in that closet in the corner of my corner office with the window. I’ve had several cases of my very best cheapest Strawberry Hill Wine stored there. Of course I kept it a secret, uh hum, it was my little secret until the naughty girls jimmied the lock and decided to douse themselves in my strawberry wine. My secret stash was a secret until they caught wind of it; then, to top it all off they added to my humiliation by informing Mr. Squirrel of their misdeed and you, well you know how good he is with the naughty girls. He can get them to confess just about anything to him. Oh how gifted Mr. Squirrel is! But fortunately for me, Mr. Squirrel accepts us all for who we are. He will not hold anything against us. We are so fortunate here at BlogCo.
Concerning all that jumping Rosalind, I don’t believe it will be necessary to replace the lock and you may injure yourself. We can’t have that Rosalind. We just can’t have that.
June 24th, 2005 at 4:20 pm
Yes dear I’m fine. I appreciate you taking care of this so quickly. You are a dream Rosalind. BlogCo runs smoothly for all your efforts.
Thank you. Did you find the box of chocolates I left for you on top of your desk? Just a token of my appreciation.