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I agree 100% with your assessment Sire. Today will be no better. The day starts with 74 degrees and not wind or breeze. Thunder showers early this a.m. just made the day more humid with chance of more thunder storms this afternoon.
Tomorrow will begin with 60 degree weather and will not exceed the mid 70′s. Relief is on the way Sire. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT shave that squirrel body. Such a fine physique should remain furry.
Seriously, if the laptop (or cell phone) is not plugged in, the batteries in them don’t pose much of a hazard. I would think one of those breakfast-in-bed thingies (ya know, a tray with legs) that would stay on top of the tub would work to keep your electronics out of the water. Just make sure your hands (and head, in case of a phone call) are dry before using or you will probably fry a circuit or something.
Another cooling idea — splash water on your head, face, and neck then let air dry. The evaporation of water from skin is a very efficient way to remove heat. That is how sweat works, or is supposed to work when it isn’t 1111% humidity outside, bleh.
RE: Keep liquids like drinks away from electrical items like TVs, VCRs and COMPUTERS….dangerous shocks, etc…causing unauthorized Zap-Happy therapy, crazy hair, smoking ears, black lips, satellite radio through back molar, constant blinking… What is this crap?
Am I safe right now? Drinking a Caffiene Free Diet Pepsi in front of my computer. I’m nervous. No I am TERRIFIED.
Ran down hall and moved Pepsi can to a room, four rooms away. Feeling much safer now.
Have not yet tried Splenda Pepsi. Lime Diet Pepsi is my new favorite, though. Caffeine-free always in the afternoon, keeps nerves in-check for end of workday conniption fits.
Guffaw emission [trying to sound scientific] …grabs butter knife….
Unsure of Rosalind’s grasp of home electrical safety. Might Rosalind have a webcam or digital camera to take a picture of bathtub setup? Desire to see Miss Rosalind in frame is not expressed or implied (although, Chip Munkey’s comment in the sex poll is probably accurate).
Free A/C update: 2 A/C units from previous employer have squirrel’s and Rosalind’s names on them. Units currently on slow boat from China. Acquisition of railcar full of Freon is proving problematic. Need to forge bill of lading or somesuch to prove railcar is “mine” — sent away for forgery correspondence course.
PSA: new A/C regulations are on the horizon and just about all of the regs increase the price you pay. I had a central unit throw a rod a month ago — had I waited until autumn to replace it, its cost would have doubled. If anyone is in the market for a new one, get some quotes now.
Excuse me. In my haste I said the overheated Rosalind or the overheated Rosalind. My haste is the direct result of my concern for Miss Rosalind and our Leader, the Squirrel. A calmer chipmunkey would have said, “the overheated Rosalind or the over heated King Squirrel.”
Forgive my haste Sire. It is just my worry talking Sire.
Ah–, my heart is heavy for the loss of dear Miss Rosalind. She is one of a kind or should I say she WAS one of a kind. Squirreldom will never be the same without Miss Rosalind. I don’t know how the Squirrel will bear the loss of his most loyal of loyal royal employees.
My computer is ill and/or frightened. It just had a “kernel panic” and some other seriously not good things. For a while I thought my ancient blue and white tupperware Apple G3 was toast. I seem to have stepped back from the abyss. A firewire pci card may be partially to blame. Time will tell. If all goes well without it, I’ll pop it back in and see what happens.
The electrical appliances have clearly taken exception to this thread. Perhaps the comments about Mr.Plug’s third prong were too personal.
Very bad computer mojo right now. Tools have been thrown. Feet have been stomped. Must retreat for a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with dehydrated strawberry-like bits.
Perhaps your computer is reacting to the loss of Miss Rosalind. Perhaps she threw herself in the tub with her laptop and cell phone out of desperation. She has not been heard from. Computers may be very sensitive to the loss of those devotely dedicated to the computer cause.
Where might our little Rosalind be? Is no one watching her? I would like some word on Rosalind. I would like some word on her status now! I do not fancy being kept in the dark.
Mr. Squirrel, it seems that we are missing our Rosalind. There was talk among BlogCo members as well as Rosalind herself about her taking some desperate action to beat the heat. She mentioned using several electrical appliances while keeping cool in the tub. This may have led to her ultimate demise or it might if we don’t get to her in time.
It is up to you Mr. Squirrel. You must save Rosalind. If you can’t get in via the front door there is the hole in the roof. You can do it Mr. Squirrel that is unless you too have succumbed from the deadly heat.
Tell me the latter has not occurred Mr. Squirrel. Just say it ain’t so. Mr. Squirrel, Mr. Squirrel if you are hanging by your last breath, think of the naughty girls. Think of them long and hard. Force yourself Mr. Squirrel. They really need you.
Thank you for your concern. I’m delighted and overjoyed that if something happened to me, you would be mildly upset.
Please don’t get irritated, but – nothing has happened to me. Absolutely nothing. In fact, if I’m not here, you can bet good money that nothing is happening to me.
My head is frozen and fingers pruney from splashing water on my face and neck and air-drying for the past thirteen hours, just like Scott told me to do.
Forget about the Freon forgery class. It’s freezing outside.
Besides, we have alternatives to everything here. Whole Foods is one town away. There’s gotta be an organic Freon farmers collective near us. I’ll pick some up when I go strawberry picking.
Went out last night and protested the heat by not wearing underwear. None.
Here’s what I learned, if you prance around underwearless, you should wear sturdy thick clothes. Without underwear, essentially you ARE naked under your clothes and your clothes should not be short, thin, white or see-thru.
Next heat wave I will wear –
No underwear under TWO heavy University Sweatshirts with some rubber fishing boots-pants-overalls that go up to my armpits.
OR
A hot sticky bra and practical underpants under loose patches of white, flimsy, wispy cottony gauze floating around me.
In that spirit, I am going Tony under my white labcoat. Think my clients will notice?
Re underwearless pictures: I have been selected as the next covergeek for Calculated Risk, the monthly zine for engineer nudist enthusiasts. Since I will be sans shirt, I will unfortunately be sans pocket protector. There will, however, be a strategically placed sliderule.
I developed this technique after many years of being bad. And for whatever reason(s), no one wanted to spank me. If you feel you’ve been bad and should be spanked, do this –
1. First, do something bad. Not like turning your blinker lights on JUST before you starting turning, I mean really bad.
2. If you are unsure if what you have done is bad enough – send a quick description to Mr. Squirrel and he can tell you if it qualifies.
3. Examples of bad stuff – asking strange men about inches. (Not strange men like cuckoo-perverted strange men, more like unknown men.) Mentioning cucumbers when you’re not talking about salad. Not wearing underwear and then telling someone you’re not wearing underwear. Basically you should never say “inches, no underwear and cucumbers” to a man – ever. All very bad.
4. Once it’s clear you need a spanking, it’s best to get it over with as fast as possible.
5. Huge detour here ….If you crave a spanking and would pay for one. You need to do something else to punish yourself. Rotate your tires.
6. Find a large, smooth, flat, preferably wooden surface, Stay away from leather with metal spikes. Fine go ahead a try it, but if you like it, I can’t help you.
7. Fences are good. Tall wooden privacy fence would be great or white picket one like mine, will do.
8. Walk about 25 feet away from the fence, like you are pacing away from an opponent in a duel.
9. At the 25-foot mark – stop, but do not turn around. Critical. Do not turn around.
10. Run backwards as fast as you can. Do not cheat. Pretend lions are chasing you.
11. Depending on your speed, if your hat is on or off, height, weight, wind, brown vs. green grass, type of shoe and torque (what is torque anyway?) etc…your fanny will smack into the fence in about 14 seconds. Scott, we could use some kind of calculation here for the nice bad folks.
12. Repeat steps 8 thru 10 as many times as you think necessary. If you start laughing, add two more trips. If you think it would be more fun if you took your clothes off – see step 5. If your neighbors come out to look at you, put a paper bag over your head.
1. If you ever see a southerner with his turn signal on, rest assured that it was on when the vehicle was purchased.
2. Mr. Squirrel is our naughtiness judge, got it.
3. You can say whatever you want to a sheep.
4-5. Surely you have heard about the den of iniquity that is New Orleans during Mardi Gras. Not that I would know but…because many twentysomethings are all too willing to lift shirt (or drop trou) for cheap plastic beads, flashing has lost its taboo-ness. Now people sometimes offer beads if a naughty person is willing to be spanked by the bead offerer.
6-7. I have a wrought-iron fence with brick pillars. Dunno if my fanny will smack very well.
8-11. I will provide a report (get it? smack, report?) after I do something wrong.
12. None of my neighbors are young enough to see more than 10 feet with their trifocals. I might still need to wear shoes (fire ants).
[Torque is the force needed to make something spin around an axis, something like a nut for example. It takes more torque to make a walnut or a brazil nut rotate than, say, a pine nut (thought I would talk about nuts, it being time for lunch for Mr. Squirrel and all).]
1. A few Southern drivers have wandered north. Come get them.
2. Wild guess, but I think Mr. Squirrel prefers to judge naughty girls. It’s just a feeling I have…he is very polite…so it’s probably ok to send any naughty stories to him.
3. Last time I talked to sheep I said, “Jump over. OVER God damnit. Get off the ceiling. YOU – out of my bed. Do sheep snore?”
4-5. Survived two business trips to New Orleans. Unfortunately not during Den of Iniquity Season. Oh well.
First ever visit to a strip club was in New Orleans. Arm was twisted by men. Remember thinking my eyes were F’ed-up. Could not see for about eight minutes. Going from blazing bright sunlight into total bar darkness really messed with my eyes. Once eyes worked, I started to worry about the glass my Gin and Tonic was in. The guys told me, “Rosalind, always order something in a bottle.”
On a positive note, even though it was off-season some beads bounced off my back while I was walking in the French Quarter. That’s good right?
6-7. What about your garage door?
8-11 Send report. Yes.
12. Old people here too.
13. I’m thinking of torque as I do Gin and Tonics. A certain amount of Gin and Tonic can spin a bed. More Gin and Tonics can whirl a room, and the highest levels of tonicking can cause you to spin, run backwards and smack into a fence.
3. Sheep do snore, with a slight bleat. And sheep count humans when they have trouble falling asleep. Not humans jumping fences, humans running backwards at fences.
4-5. My only stripper encounter in New Orleans was when I passed by a club near Bourbon. The ID checker gorilla was sitting out front on a stool and, presumably to entice folks to enter the establishment, one of the strippers was standing there chatting with him. She had a lazy eye. This was halloween 2003 so I took a closer look, thinking it was part of her costume. Nope.
6-7. No garage (carport). Front door is wood but has stairs leading up to — will try running backwards up the stairs at my front door.
13. What a lovely idea for a torque experiment. You must determine the amount of torque, measured in Gin and Tonics per hour (GT/h), required to make various furniture and buildings spin. I will collect similar data for Tequila Shots per hour (TS/h). If anyone else would like to collect data, let me know your measurement units. Must be 21 years old or older to experiment. BlogCo, Mr. Squirrel, and Squirreldom LLC are in no way responsible for torque-experiment stains, accidents, or hangovers.
Now, for some reason, I want to visit the Sears appliance department, where I will listen intently as the clerk lists washing machine features and benefits. I will nod and smile, and when the clerk is finished with the pitch, I will say, “tell me, is this unit a self-spanker?”
The key to extreme gin-torque power is to set yourself spinning opposite the direction of the water in a flushing toilet (water *generally* spins clockwise in northern hemisphere). If you can manage to spin opposite from your toilet flushing, that may very well launch you into space. Do not, I repeat, do not hurl gin into the toilet — my experiments with that have only resulted in my bathroom spinning.
Here’s results from my Gin and Tonic Torque experiment:
1GT/h = Same as drinking diet Pepsi. No torque.
2GT/h = Capable of saying “Good night” and walking up stairs to bedroom. Bed not moving. Slightly less spring in step in morning but tea will fix that. Still no torque.
3GT/h = Light stumbling and increased desire to dance. Signs of minor torque while spinning on dance floor.
4GT/h = Bed now acting like the flying twister bed in Wizard of OZ. Groaning (not in ecstasy) for wicked witch to cut it out. Torque is present.
5GT/h = Cannot find bed. Does not need bed. Torque creating an extremely unpleasant endless merry-go-round effect.
6GT/h = Rosalind physically placed in bed by kind strangers. Head and bed will begin to imitate Exorcist scene with Linda’s torqued-out neck and tantrum bed. Torque is now a demonic centrifugal force.
June 13th, 2005 at 10:21 pm
Update
No change. Hot as an oven.
June 13th, 2005 at 10:22 pm
Hang on, I think we may have dropped a degree. . . .
Nope, sorry. My mistake.
June 13th, 2005 at 10:27 pm
I can’t touch anything in the house unless I’m wearing oven mitts.
June 13th, 2005 at 10:28 pm
Frogs are exploding in the back yard.
Pop, pop, pop. It’s like the 4th of July, but hotter.
June 13th, 2005 at 10:29 pm
Okay, everyone, time to baste.
June 13th, 2005 at 10:30 pm
Maybe I should shave my body.
The razor is metal. Where are my oven mitts?
June 13th, 2005 at 10:31 pm
Note to self: the others must have melted.
June 14th, 2005 at 6:03 am
I agree 100% with your assessment Sire. Today will be no better. The day starts with 74 degrees and not wind or breeze. Thunder showers early this a.m. just made the day more humid with chance of more thunder storms this afternoon.
Tomorrow will begin with 60 degree weather and will not exceed the mid 70′s. Relief is on the way Sire. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT shave that squirrel body. Such a fine physique should remain furry.
Signed,
Chip Munkey
June 14th, 2005 at 9:05 am
Crazy weather. Just a few short weeks ago it was as cold as George Mallory’s foot.
June 14th, 2005 at 1:09 pm
Is it ok to place a laptop on the edge of your bathtub while you sit in nine inches of cool water? I mean, is that safe?
‘Cause I think I might be able to work like that.
Cell phone goes on the little soap ledge.
June 14th, 2005 at 1:29 pm
If no one says don’t do it, I’m gonna do it.
June 14th, 2005 at 1:35 pm
We need to hire a science editor. Where is Scott the spot guy?
June 14th, 2005 at 1:39 pm
I will wait until Scott gives me the greenlight. He’s probably out collecting stains.
June 14th, 2005 at 1:41 pm
Please retract …”collecting stains”…it doesn’t have a good ring to it.
I’m sure Scott’s doing something that Consulting Engineers do and he’s not gathering stains by doing anything bad.
Right, Scott?
June 14th, 2005 at 1:47 pm
Is there such thing as a stain collector’s album?
June 14th, 2005 at 1:56 pm
Here!
June 14th, 2005 at 1:56 pm
Um…May was National Electrical Safety Month. Now what did they say about laptops and water…
June 14th, 2005 at 1:58 pm
Scott -
Just in time. I was about to go Tony.
Can I use my laptop in the bathtub? Please say yes.
Very, very hot here. Yes we are wimps, but it’s hot god damnit.
June 14th, 2005 at 2:03 pm
See page 5: http://www.nesf.org/esfilib/PreKColoring.pdf
Seriously, if the laptop (or cell phone) is not plugged in, the batteries in them don’t pose much of a hazard. I would think one of those breakfast-in-bed thingies (ya know, a tray with legs) that would stay on top of the tub would work to keep your electronics out of the water. Just make sure your hands (and head, in case of a phone call) are dry before using or you will probably fry a circuit or something.
June 14th, 2005 at 2:10 pm
Holy moly, the page 5 kid spilled his beer on the tv!
June 14th, 2005 at 2:11 pm
Another cooling idea — splash water on your head, face, and neck then let air dry. The evaporation of water from skin is a very efficient way to remove heat. That is how sweat works, or is supposed to work when it isn’t 1111% humidity outside, bleh.
June 14th, 2005 at 2:12 pm
Beer and video games go together like, um…some simile I cannot come up with at the moment.
June 14th, 2005 at 2:13 pm
On page 8, Mr. Plug appears to be standing in front of a urinal.
June 14th, 2005 at 2:15 pm
Scott -
Thank you. Thank you. I promise to keep my head and hands dry. Honest.
June 14th, 2005 at 2:17 pm
Mr. Plug appear to leaning on his large third prong. He must be popular with the ladies.
June 14th, 2005 at 2:17 pm
*snicker* Mr. Plug has a big kickstand.
June 14th, 2005 at 2:21 pm
Scott -
RE: Keep liquids like drinks away from electrical items like TVs, VCRs and COMPUTERS….dangerous shocks, etc…causing unauthorized Zap-Happy therapy, crazy hair, smoking ears, black lips, satellite radio through back molar, constant blinking… What is this crap?
Am I safe right now? Drinking a Caffiene Free Diet Pepsi in front of my computer. I’m nervous. No I am TERRIFIED.
June 14th, 2005 at 2:25 pm
Coffee is okay, though.
Isn’t it?
June 14th, 2005 at 2:28 pm
Confession – I put an English muffin in my toaster.
June 14th, 2005 at 2:30 pm
Only drink near electronic devices for which you have purchased an extended service warranty.
More importantly, is that the Pepsi with the Splenda? If so, is it any good?
Most importantly, caffeine free?!?
[grabs butter knife and heads for outlet -- wants free satellite radio in molar]
June 14th, 2005 at 2:41 pm
Ran down hall and moved Pepsi can to a room, four rooms away. Feeling much safer now.
Have not yet tried Splenda Pepsi. Lime Diet Pepsi is my new favorite, though. Caffeine-free always in the afternoon, keeps nerves in-check for end of workday conniption fits.
Guffaw emission [trying to sound scientific] …grabs butter knife….
June 14th, 2005 at 2:42 pm
Chrissakes. Just remembered I put Pepsi can on the TV.
June 14th, 2005 at 2:44 pm
Got 12 new work emails while trying to remain safe near computer.
Later.
June 14th, 2005 at 2:58 pm
Unsure of Rosalind’s grasp of home electrical safety. Might Rosalind have a webcam or digital camera to take a picture of bathtub setup? Desire to see Miss Rosalind in frame is not expressed or implied (although, Chip Munkey’s comment in the sex poll is probably accurate).
June 14th, 2005 at 4:09 pm
Free A/C update: 2 A/C units from previous employer have squirrel’s and Rosalind’s names on them. Units currently on slow boat from China. Acquisition of railcar full of Freon is proving problematic. Need to forge bill of lading or somesuch to prove railcar is “mine” — sent away for forgery correspondence course.
PSA: new A/C regulations are on the horizon and just about all of the regs increase the price you pay. I had a central unit throw a rod a month ago — had I waited until autumn to replace it, its cost would have doubled. If anyone is in the market for a new one, get some quotes now.
June 14th, 2005 at 6:01 pm
ROSALIND, DON’T DO IT!
IT SOUNDS TOO RISKY. I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ELECTRICITY BUT I DO KNOW THAT ELECTRICITY AND WATER DON’T PLAY WELL TOGETHER.
DON’T TAKE THE CHANCE ROSALIND.
THE LOSS WOULD BE TOO GREAT. MISS ROSALIND ARE YOU STILL WITH US?
SPEAK TO ME MISS ROSALIND, PLEASE. SPEAK!
June 14th, 2005 at 6:05 pm
AM I TOO LATE MISS ROSALIND?
PLEASE TELL ME I’M NOT TOO LATE. I WOULD HATE TO BE TOO LATE.
June 14th, 2005 at 9:17 pm
Still no word on the overheated Rosalind or from the overheated Rosalind.
No word from the Squirrelking either.
This is reason for concern.
June 14th, 2005 at 9:25 pm
Excuse me. In my haste I said the overheated Rosalind or the overheated Rosalind. My haste is the direct result of my concern for Miss Rosalind and our Leader, the Squirrel. A calmer chipmunkey would have said, “the overheated Rosalind or the over heated King Squirrel.”
Forgive my haste Sire. It is just my worry talking Sire.
June 14th, 2005 at 9:27 pm
Still no word on Miss Rosalind.
June 14th, 2005 at 9:32 pm
Ah–, my heart is heavy for the loss of dear Miss Rosalind. She is one of a kind or should I say she WAS one of a kind. Squirreldom will never be the same without Miss Rosalind. I don’t know how the Squirrel will bear the loss of his most loyal of loyal royal employees.
June 14th, 2005 at 9:32 pm
My computer is ill and/or frightened. It just had a “kernel panic” and some other seriously not good things. For a while I thought my ancient blue and white tupperware Apple G3 was toast. I seem to have stepped back from the abyss. A firewire pci card may be partially to blame. Time will tell. If all goes well without it, I’ll pop it back in and see what happens.
The electrical appliances have clearly taken exception to this thread. Perhaps the comments about Mr.Plug’s third prong were too personal.
June 14th, 2005 at 9:36 pm
Very bad computer mojo right now. Tools have been thrown. Feet have been stomped. Must retreat for a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with dehydrated strawberry-like bits.
June 14th, 2005 at 9:40 pm
Perhaps your computer is reacting to the loss of Miss Rosalind. Perhaps she threw herself in the tub with her laptop and cell phone out of desperation. She has not been heard from. Computers may be very sensitive to the loss of those devotely dedicated to the computer cause.
June 14th, 2005 at 9:42 pm
What might the sound of a squirrel’s little feet sound as they pound on the floor?
p.s. Try very hard sire not, I repeat NOT to drop tools on your little squirrel toes. It could be painful for you Sire. Very painful.
June 15th, 2005 at 6:07 am
Where might our little Rosalind be? Is no one watching her? I would like some word on Rosalind. I would like some word on her status now! I do not fancy being kept in the dark.
June 15th, 2005 at 6:07 am
MEMO
FROM: SCHOOL MARM
TO:
June 15th, 2005 at 6:14 am
(I’ll try this again)
MEMO
FROM: SCHOOL MARM
TO: MR. SQUIRREL
RE: ROSALIND’S WHEREABOUTS
Mr. Squirrel, it seems that we are missing our Rosalind. There was talk among BlogCo members as well as Rosalind herself about her taking some desperate action to beat the heat. She mentioned using several electrical appliances while keeping cool in the tub. This may have led to her ultimate demise or it might if we don’t get to her in time.
It is up to you Mr. Squirrel. You must save Rosalind. If you can’t get in via the front door there is the hole in the roof. You can do it Mr. Squirrel that is unless you too have succumbed from the deadly heat.
Tell me the latter has not occurred Mr. Squirrel. Just say it ain’t so. Mr. Squirrel, Mr. Squirrel if you are hanging by your last breath, think of the naughty girls. Think of them long and hard. Force yourself Mr. Squirrel. They really need you.
June 15th, 2005 at 7:18 am
I suspect she has been abducted by her appliances, but it’s too soon to say for sure. More later.
June 15th, 2005 at 7:24 am
Munkey , Marm et al -
Thank you for your concern. I’m delighted and overjoyed that if something happened to me, you would be mildly upset.
Please don’t get irritated, but – nothing has happened to me. Absolutely nothing. In fact, if I’m not here, you can bet good money that nothing is happening to me.
Nothing always happens to me.
June 15th, 2005 at 7:28 am
Have you noticed that it’s cold now?
My head is frozen and fingers pruney from splashing water on my face and neck and air-drying for the past thirteen hours, just like Scott told me to do.
June 15th, 2005 at 7:39 am
Scott –
Forget about the Freon forgery class. It’s freezing outside.
Besides, we have alternatives to everything here. Whole Foods is one town away. There’s gotta be an organic Freon farmers collective near us. I’ll pick some up when I go strawberry picking.
Appreciate it, though.
June 15th, 2005 at 8:00 am
Re: Pictures.
Not a single person I’ve ever met has said, “Rosalind I’d love to have a picture of you. Could you spare an extra picture of yourself?”
Clearly, if people who see me don’t want my picture, people who don’t see me, just don’t know that they don’t want my picture.
June 15th, 2005 at 8:10 am
Went out last night and protested the heat by not wearing underwear. None.
Here’s what I learned, if you prance around underwearless, you should wear sturdy thick clothes. Without underwear, essentially you ARE naked under your clothes and your clothes should not be short, thin, white or see-thru.
Next heat wave I will wear –
No underwear under TWO heavy University Sweatshirts with some rubber fishing boots-pants-overalls that go up to my armpits.
OR
A hot sticky bra and practical underpants under loose patches of white, flimsy, wispy cottony gauze floating around me.
Can’t decide.
June 15th, 2005 at 8:13 am
I didn’t really wear a short, thin, white, see-thru outfit.
Didn’t wear the underwear, though. Can’t make me.
June 15th, 2005 at 8:17 am
Okay where is everyone?
Out and about exploring the happiness of no underwear?
June 15th, 2005 at 8:23 am
To show solidarity with my BlogCo co-worker, Rosalind®, I will also NOT wear underwear.
Power to the people!
And the squirrels.
June 15th, 2005 at 9:21 am
In that spirit, I am going Tony under my white labcoat. Think my clients will notice?
Re underwearless pictures: I have been selected as the next covergeek for Calculated Risk, the monthly zine for engineer nudist enthusiasts. Since I will be sans shirt, I will unfortunately be sans pocket protector. There will, however, be a strategically placed sliderule.
June 15th, 2005 at 10:12 am
How many inches?
June 15th, 2005 at 10:14 am
Boss -
Don’t bother to get up. I’m spanking myself right now.
June 15th, 2005 at 10:17 am
What’s an inch? I’m all metric (centimeters — that’s right, *plural*).
June 15th, 2005 at 10:17 am
That sounded bad too.
Get up if you want to…free country, no underwear, float your boat, etc
June 15th, 2005 at 10:22 am
Scott -
I don’t speak metric, do you know American?
Forget that ..is the slideruler bigger, same or smaller than a….a…cucumber?
Thank you.
June 15th, 2005 at 10:23 am
Still spanking.
Will now punish myself more by doing work.
June 15th, 2005 at 10:24 am
***Cough***
If anyone is interested, it’s 59 degrees outside. Chilly today.
June 15th, 2005 at 10:59 am
Here it is a toasty 29 degrees. Supposed to get thunderstormy with a high in the low 30s. Luckily my office is about 22 degrees.
How does one spank oneself? I can’t quite reach my heinie with my sliderule…
June 15th, 2005 at 12:16 pm
Instructions for Self-Spanking
I developed this technique after many years of being bad. And for whatever reason(s), no one wanted to spank me. If you feel you’ve been bad and should be spanked, do this –
1. First, do something bad. Not like turning your blinker lights on JUST before you starting turning, I mean really bad.
2. If you are unsure if what you have done is bad enough – send a quick description to Mr. Squirrel and he can tell you if it qualifies.
3. Examples of bad stuff – asking strange men about inches. (Not strange men like cuckoo-perverted strange men, more like unknown men.) Mentioning cucumbers when you’re not talking about salad. Not wearing underwear and then telling someone you’re not wearing underwear. Basically you should never say “inches, no underwear and cucumbers” to a man – ever. All very bad.
4. Once it’s clear you need a spanking, it’s best to get it over with as fast as possible.
5. Huge detour here ….If you crave a spanking and would pay for one. You need to do something else to punish yourself. Rotate your tires.
6. Find a large, smooth, flat, preferably wooden surface, Stay away from leather with metal spikes. Fine go ahead a try it, but if you like it, I can’t help you.
7. Fences are good. Tall wooden privacy fence would be great or white picket one like mine, will do.
8. Walk about 25 feet away from the fence, like you are pacing away from an opponent in a duel.
9. At the 25-foot mark – stop, but do not turn around. Critical. Do not turn around.
10. Run backwards as fast as you can. Do not cheat. Pretend lions are chasing you.
11. Depending on your speed, if your hat is on or off, height, weight, wind, brown vs. green grass, type of shoe and torque (what is torque anyway?) etc…your fanny will smack into the fence in about 14 seconds. Scott, we could use some kind of calculation here for the nice bad folks.
12. Repeat steps 8 thru 10 as many times as you think necessary. If you start laughing, add two more trips. If you think it would be more fun if you took your clothes off – see step 5. If your neighbors come out to look at you, put a paper bag over your head.
June 15th, 2005 at 12:18 pm
I think that just about covers everything.
Time for lunch.
June 15th, 2005 at 1:04 pm
She’s a self-spanker.
June 15th, 2005 at 1:06 pm
R-
1. If you ever see a southerner with his turn signal on, rest assured that it was on when the vehicle was purchased.
2. Mr. Squirrel is our naughtiness judge, got it.
3. You can say whatever you want to a sheep.
4-5. Surely you have heard about the den of iniquity that is New Orleans during Mardi Gras. Not that I would know but…because many twentysomethings are all too willing to lift shirt (or drop trou) for cheap plastic beads, flashing has lost its taboo-ness. Now people sometimes offer beads if a naughty person is willing to be spanked by the bead offerer.
6-7. I have a wrought-iron fence with brick pillars. Dunno if my fanny will smack very well.
8-11. I will provide a report (get it? smack, report?) after I do something wrong.
12. None of my neighbors are young enough to see more than 10 feet with their trifocals. I might still need to wear shoes (fire ants).
[Torque is the force needed to make something spin around an axis, something like a nut for example. It takes more torque to make a walnut or a brazil nut rotate than, say, a pine nut (thought I would talk about nuts, it being time for lunch for Mr. Squirrel and all).]
June 15th, 2005 at 1:45 pm
It’s an RRSS (Reverse Running Self Spank).
Best done Tony.
June 15th, 2005 at 1:48 pm
BDT
June 15th, 2005 at 2:42 pm
S –
1. A few Southern drivers have wandered north. Come get them.
2. Wild guess, but I think Mr. Squirrel prefers to judge naughty girls. It’s just a feeling I have…he is very polite…so it’s probably ok to send any naughty stories to him.
3. Last time I talked to sheep I said, “Jump over. OVER God damnit. Get off the ceiling. YOU – out of my bed. Do sheep snore?”
4-5. Survived two business trips to New Orleans. Unfortunately not during Den of Iniquity Season. Oh well.
First ever visit to a strip club was in New Orleans. Arm was twisted by men. Remember thinking my eyes were F’ed-up. Could not see for about eight minutes. Going from blazing bright sunlight into total bar darkness really messed with my eyes. Once eyes worked, I started to worry about the glass my Gin and Tonic was in. The guys told me, “Rosalind, always order something in a bottle.”
On a positive note, even though it was off-season some beads bounced off my back while I was walking in the French Quarter. That’s good right?
6-7. What about your garage door?
8-11 Send report. Yes.
12. Old people here too.
13. I’m thinking of torque as I do Gin and Tonics. A certain amount of Gin and Tonic can spin a bed. More Gin and Tonics can whirl a room, and the highest levels of tonicking can cause you to spin, run backwards and smack into a fence.
June 15th, 2005 at 2:53 pm
Must work like a maniac now.
Will spank self more later.
June 15th, 2005 at 3:25 pm
R-
3. Sheep do snore, with a slight bleat. And sheep count humans when they have trouble falling asleep. Not humans jumping fences, humans running backwards at fences.
4-5. My only stripper encounter in New Orleans was when I passed by a club near Bourbon. The ID checker gorilla was sitting out front on a stool and, presumably to entice folks to enter the establishment, one of the strippers was standing there chatting with him. She had a lazy eye. This was halloween 2003 so I took a closer look, thinking it was part of her costume. Nope.
6-7. No garage (carport). Front door is wood but has stairs leading up to — will try running backwards up the stairs at my front door.
13. What a lovely idea for a torque experiment. You must determine the amount of torque, measured in Gin and Tonics per hour (GT/h), required to make various furniture and buildings spin. I will collect similar data for Tequila Shots per hour (TS/h). If anyone else would like to collect data, let me know your measurement units. Must be 21 years old or older to experiment. BlogCo, Mr. Squirrel, and Squirreldom LLC are in no way responsible for torque-experiment stains, accidents, or hangovers.
June 15th, 2005 at 3:46 pm
Now, for some reason, I want to visit the Sears appliance department, where I will listen intently as the clerk lists washing machine features and benefits. I will nod and smile, and when the clerk is finished with the pitch, I will say, “tell me, is this unit a self-spanker?”
June 16th, 2005 at 8:29 am
Woohoo! Baton Rouge number 17! We were 18 two years ago, but were were demoted way down to 66 last year. Glad to be back in the top 20!
http://phx.corporate-ir.net/phoenix.zhtml?c=104574&p=irol-newsArticleMain&ID=720698
June 16th, 2005 at 8:46 am
NASA should look closer at this gin spin thing. The key to safe space travel has been right under their noses all this time.
Scott, how much gin torque is needed to achieve escape velocity?
June 16th, 2005 at 8:49 am
A gin-torque-powered self spanker? The wheels of industry are turning.
June 16th, 2005 at 9:24 am
The key to extreme gin-torque power is to set yourself spinning opposite the direction of the water in a flushing toilet (water *generally* spins clockwise in northern hemisphere). If you can manage to spin opposite from your toilet flushing, that may very well launch you into space. Do not, I repeat, do not hurl gin into the toilet — my experiments with that have only resulted in my bathroom spinning.
June 16th, 2005 at 9:32 am
This sounds like a dangerous experiment. If escape velocity is not achieved, the astronaut is likely to go right down the dumper.
June 16th, 2005 at 10:19 am
Here’s results from my Gin and Tonic Torque experiment:
1GT/h = Same as drinking diet Pepsi. No torque.
2GT/h = Capable of saying “Good night” and walking up stairs to bedroom. Bed not moving. Slightly less spring in step in morning but tea will fix that. Still no torque.
3GT/h = Light stumbling and increased desire to dance. Signs of minor torque while spinning on dance floor.
4GT/h = Bed now acting like the flying twister bed in Wizard of OZ. Groaning (not in ecstasy) for wicked witch to cut it out. Torque is present.
5GT/h = Cannot find bed. Does not need bed. Torque creating an extremely unpleasant endless merry-go-round effect.
6GT/h = Rosalind physically placed in bed by kind strangers. Head and bed will begin to imitate Exorcist scene with Linda’s torqued-out neck and tantrum bed. Torque is now a demonic centrifugal force.
June 16th, 2005 at 10:21 am
Scott -
Do you think we could can this stuff published in a journal?
June 16th, 2005 at 10:38 am
Absolutely. With this new data, I may just finish my master’s thesis. With due credit to my lovely and talented experimenter, of course.
After the thesis, I’m thinking book tour and talk shows. Are you sure we can’t do Dr. Laura?