When in Rome
The DJ tosses his hair extensions, turns on the mic and says, “Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Titus, Commodus, and the insatiable Tiberius!”
“That’s weird,” I say.
The bartender lifts my glass and wipes the bar-top with a moist towel. “What’s weird?” she says.
“The stage names,” I say. “Are all the dancers named after Roman Emperors?”
“It’s the owner’s latest idea,” she says. “He thinks it sounds ‘upscale’.”
I nod my head, but I’m confused. When the owner says “upscale” he must mean “classy,” or at very least “expensive.” I follow that far, but I can’t get the rest of the way to Rome. Sure, the Roman motif is perfect for a strip joint, but there’s a big difference between classy and classical. Eureka, that’s it!
When I return from my thinking tour, the bartender is gone. Opportunity lost. I test drive my “upscale” theory on another customer, and when that effort fails, I turn my attention to the TV behind the bar. Tonight’s feature is a old gangster film, possibly Key Largo. It’s the one in which Edward G. Robinson and his mobster goons hold Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall hostage in Lionel Barrymore’s strip club.
It’s a good movie, even with the sound off. When the action gets hot, the lovely but vengeful Nero pulls up a chair. Edward G. Robinson is taunting Lionel Barrymore, who is struggling to rise from his wheelchair. “This is my favorite part,” Nero says. Her Roman mini-tunic is fastened only at the waist, allowing more than a glimpse of her purple and gold embroidered demi bra and panties. A black garter secures a few dollars to her upper inner thigh.
Lionel Barrymore swings wildly and falls to the floor. Edward G. Robinson stands over him and laughs.
Nero says, “Take that you old crip,” and then she gets up and walks away. “Bye, bye, honey,” she says over a shoulder. “I have to find that trash-talking bitch-whore Commodus.”
“Commodus?” I say. “Have you looked in the bathroom?” I bust a gut laughing, but Nero just sneers.
For the rest of the evening, I do as the Romans do. I stare at the featured dancer, who is either the porn star emperor Caligula, or the implant emperor Toobigula. Just before closing time, the Spanish-speaking emperor, Vespasian, sits on my lap. She rubs her breasts together like a Boy Scout making fire with sticks. She says, “Muy largo, no?” I misunderstand. “Yes,” I say, “Key Largo. You’re a fan, too? You must be Nero’s friend.”
June 12th, 2005 at 1:16 pm
So, what’s wrong with Key Largo?
June 12th, 2005 at 7:38 pm
Points:
1. Sometimes thinking things through can be hazardous to your health.
2. Strippers originating in Rome is an interesting concept.
3. Naming strippers after famous conquers suggest that they will conquer who/whom next? (this is actually a question)
4. Nero in a wheel chair Sire? Someone spiked your drink with an hallucinagen. I’m pretty sure of it.
5. I’ve never known Commode humour to be a turn on.
June 12th, 2005 at 7:48 pm
Sire, I believe you like monster movies with names like Caligula.
June 12th, 2005 at 7:56 pm
Heavy sigh. Still no word from the Squirrel.
June 12th, 2005 at 8:04 pm
NEWSBREAK!!!!
THE ROYAL SQUIRREL KEEPS HIS DISTANCE FROM HIS MOST LOYAL OF ROYAL SUBJECTS. THERE IS NO WORD YET AS TO THE REASON FOR THIS SEPARATION BUT IT IS SAID HE IS NO WHERE TO BE SEEN IN ANY CORNER OF SQUIRRELDOM.
WHILE IT IS POSSIBLE THAT THE SQUIRREL IS FREQUENTING DENS OF INEQUITY HOUSING THE MOST BRUTAL OF ROMAN EMPERORS (ALL EXCEPT FOR THE CESEARS) IT IS DOUBTFUL HE IS BEING HELD HOSTAGE.
STILL NO WORD ON THE SQUIRREL. LINES ARE KEPT OPEN IN THE EVENT HE CAN CONTACT US.
June 12th, 2005 at 10:06 pm
Here!
Room too hot to stay. Hot room filled with hot hot heat.
June 12th, 2005 at 10:07 pm
Pssst, Lionel Barrymore in wheelchair, not Nero.
June 12th, 2005 at 10:08 pm
Too damned hot.
I will be in constant contact, as I have put myself under house arrest again. Stuck in hot house.
June 12th, 2005 at 10:24 pm
Sire,
Have you a window fan? You know the type you put in the window. If you put the window fan in the window and have the air blow out it will pull the hot air out of the hot hot room. Again try the cold compress only put it on the back of your neck. You will feel some relief.
Is your computer on the second floor? It seems Miss Rosalind’s computer is on the second floor and she is suffering from the heat as well as a houseful of beloved relatives who have just over stayed their welcome but won’t be after tomorrow. Can you move your computer down to the first floor? If you did would this help you? It might if your first floor is cooler than your second floor.
June 12th, 2005 at 10:29 pm
Tomorrow you must go to work. You said it is cold at work. You will have relief from the heat then when you come home you will have relief from the cold. The only place you will truly find peace is in the Jesus Chrysler mobile.
June 13th, 2005 at 9:35 am
Boss –
Very classy piece. Especially liked Toobigula.
June 13th, 2005 at 9:37 am
That was me.
I can’t get my digital camera to upload photos. (None that you would want to see.) In an attempt to fix camera situation, I messed with settings on the computer and now I’m scared.
Nothing is right.
June 13th, 2005 at 9:38 am
Do male strippers get names? Oh never mind.
Made me think that Man’s Favorite Part could use a Roman Emperor name. Pick one.
Gellius Maximus
Ingennus
Quietus
Firmus
Felicissimus
Magnus Maximus
Flavius Victor
If you think I made-up these names go here – http://www.roman-emperors.org/impindex.htm
You can’t all pick Magnus Maximus.
June 13th, 2005 at 9:45 am
Wait a minute. There was a Roman Emperor named Irene?
June 13th, 2005 at 9:53 am
Rosalind dear, you get an A+ for research and an A+ for summarizing the content so skillfully. Excellent, excellent work dear. Excellent! I proud to be associated with such a scholar as yourself.
Sincerely,
School Marm
June 13th, 2005 at 10:02 am
“Magnus Maximus” has much more gravitas than “Big Max.”
June 13th, 2005 at 10:04 am
Thanks Marm -
No school today? Has the school year ended for you?
June 13th, 2005 at 10:05 am
Wait… Two more Roman Emperor names for the manfolk’s consideration -
Procopius
Maurice
Try it out in a sentence, this one -
“Would you like to see my Flavius Victor?”
or the less threatening
“Would you care to see Maurice?”
June 13th, 2005 at 10:15 am
How ’bout Propecia
June 13th, 2005 at 10:20 am
I can’t say what I was just going to say.
June 13th, 2005 at 11:02 am
Catching up here. . . .
Chippy,
The Roman strippers will most likely conquer the Huns next. They seem to call everyone hun.
June 13th, 2005 at 2:10 pm
But Sire, though they call everyone hun do they mean what they say?
June 13th, 2005 at 10:32 pm
I never can tell for sure.
June 13th, 2005 at 10:33 pm
Customer: Hello, my name is Atilla.
Dancer: How you doin’ hun?
Customer: How’d you know my last name?
June 14th, 2005 at 6:06 am
Brilliant post Sire. Brilliant post.
You never, ever cease to amaze me with your intellectual brilliance.