On the air with Dr. Laura
After reading the Dr. Laura Schlessenger article posted by Scott Spotman, one of my squirrel buddies sent me the following transcript from the Dr. Laura’s radio program.
Dr. Laura: You’re on the air. Make it snappy.
Caller: Umm . . . Dr. Laura?
Dr. Laura: Is this what you call snappy? I don’t have all day, sweety.
Caller: Dr. Laura, I’m my kid’s mom, and my husband is my kid’s dad, and my kids are my kids . . . umm, kids. Dr. Laura, my kid’s dad climbed our oak tree and he won’t come down. He’s been up there for TWO DAYS!
Dr. Laura: Is he chittering at you from the upper branches?
Caller: Yes! Dr. Laura, you’re sooooooooo smart!
Dr. Laura: And you’re not. Didn’t you know he was a squirrel before you married him?
Caller: Yes, but I thought I could change him.
Dr. Laura: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhg!
Caller: Dr. Laura, he’s an animal. He wants sex all the time!
Dr. Laura: More than six hours per year?
Caller: Much more! And he wants to do it doggie style. Dr. Laura, he’s a squirrel — it isn’t natural.
Dr. Laura: I see this all the time. He wasn’t getting enough tail, so he treed himself.
Caller: Dr. Laura, isn’t he morally obligated to come down and mow the lawn? If the grass gets much longer, we’ll have to rent a baler.
Dr. Laura: You may as well write him a John-Deere-John letter, sweety, ’cause he ain’t comin’ down to mow no mow. Look on the bright side — you’ll never need to be in the mood again! Six hours of free time, baby!
Caller: Sob. Sniff. Thank you soooooo much, Dr. Laura.
June 16th, 2005 at 8:41 am
Mr. Squirrel,
Look on the bright side…your season of mating eagerness is only 2/3 of that of human males.
June 16th, 2005 at 9:37 am
Great work.
If anyone needs her ass thrashed, it’s Dr. Laura.
June 16th, 2005 at 9:51 am
P.S. I can tell this is a forged Dr. Laura transcript.
Dr. Laura would never tell a woman to give a male his John Deere papers over a species mix-up.
Here’s what the real Dr. Laura would say, “First off, it’s your fault. Fix it. Get your naked ass up that tree.”
June 16th, 2005 at 9:55 am
Forgot -
Dr. Laura would also say –
“Bring him nuts. Beer.”
“Did you not hear me? Why are your clothes still on?”
June 16th, 2005 at 9:58 am
Also -
“He works hard all day. You should’ve had that lawn mowed before he got home.”
“Mow it tonight, while he’s sleeping. Quietly. Use your damn finger nail clippers if you have to.”
June 16th, 2005 at 10:02 am
I never liked a single thing about Dr. Laura before, but I do admire her position on beer and nuts.
June 16th, 2005 at 10:24 am
Despise Dr. Laura.
Get her ass here right now. I want to fight her.
I KNOW I could take her.
June 16th, 2005 at 10:31 am
I could wrestle her whiny, bossy, bitch-ass anytime, anywhere. Name it -
Jell-O, Mud, transmission fluid, Reddi-Wip, Hershey’s syrup, olive oil, Ragu spaghetti sauce, breadcrumbs, feathers…
I don’t care.
June 16th, 2005 at 10:31 am
One arm behind my back.
June 16th, 2005 at 10:35 am
Yeah, but first I have to go work in the City of Brotherly Parking Tickets.
Tell her to wait right here.
June 16th, 2005 at 10:37 am
Let it be olive oil.
Keep both arms. I bet she fights dirty.
June 16th, 2005 at 3:09 pm
Once you clean Dr. Laura’s clock, ask her if squirrely style is more acceptable than doggie.
June 16th, 2005 at 3:37 pm
Dr. Laura picked the wrong day to mess with Rosalind®. Thursday is parking ticket day.
June 16th, 2005 at 4:03 pm
Hell hath no fury like a…[help me with a good rhyme or pun, Mr. Squirrel]
June 16th, 2005 at 5:34 pm
Mr. Squirrel,
I saw the word “mood” in your daily message and I thought this would be the perfect of all places to post these little funnies that could improve anybody’s mood. This is for you just in case you continue to have a case of the grumpies.
======================================
Mood Cha ngers
You can’t read these and stay in a bad mood
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid’s
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do ! You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
26. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims’ Pa! nts Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile
June 16th, 2005 at 5:39 pm
Mr. Squirrel,
Did I make you smile?
sincerely,
School Marm
June 16th, 2005 at 5:55 pm
Sire, I believe this problem is more serious than Dr. Laura admits. This squirrel since “treeing” (I like the terminology) himself is now refusing to detree himself. Good heavens! This poor squirrel has clearly lost his nuts somewhere around the house in the presence of his wife and won’t climb out of the tree to recollect them even with a beer.
Sounds like his wife will need to climb that tree to do some convincing if she wants to detree her squirrel.
June 16th, 2005 at 5:57 pm
Sire, may I add here that you are without a doubt the funniest of the funny.
June 16th, 2005 at 6:30 pm
Thanks, Marm, for the funny bits. And I have an alternative version of number 7 to offer.
7a. What do you call a cruller at Dunkin Donuts?
A sitck
Okay, 7a isn’t funny, but it is true, dammit.
Numbers 9, 17, 27 and especially 20 are either totally random numbers or they are my favorites from the joke list.
June 16th, 2005 at 6:33 pm
Chippy,
She may be able to lure him down with some bits of cheese, or a White Hut cheeseburger, but once he’s down, I certainly hope she will do the squirrel dance with him.
June 16th, 2005 at 6:56 pm
Play those numbers Sire. Play them tonight. I have a feeling about them. I hope it’s the right feeling as I would hate to encourage you then have the wrong feeling. Do keep us posted as to your expected good fortune.
June 16th, 2005 at 7:02 pm
re: 7a. dunkin’ donut sticks
http://discounts-to-you.com/dunkind/dunkind.html
June 16th, 2005 at 7:08 pm
Here, here! The funniest of the funny, Mr. Squirrel, you are.
Following School Marm’s lead, here are a few more two-liners, although none can hold a candle to your tales:
23. Have you ever seen an elephant in a tree?
Don’t they hide well?
24. How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave.
25. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
26. How did the blonde break her arm raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
27. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
“Here come the elephants over the hill.”
28. What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape?
A grape is purple [last time I send you shopping...].
29. What did the grape say when the elephant sat on him?
Nothing, he just let out a little whine.
30. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on?
Nothing, he didn’t recognize them.
31. What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
“Here come the grapes over the hill” (she was colorblind).
32. Why can’t a bicycle stand up on its own?
It’s two tired.
33. A priest, a rabbi, a cleric, two guys, three ducks, and a clown walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
June 16th, 2005 at 7:09 pm
In my bachelor days:
I was riding my bus home when a beautiful, blonde-haired Chinese girl got on and sat down next to me. I said to her, “Isn’t it an amazing day?”
She said, “Yes it is, I guess.”
I said, “What do you mean, you guess?”
She said, “Well, things haven’t being going too well for me lately.”
And I said, “Like what?”
She said, “I can’t tell you. I don’t even know you.”
So I said, “You know, sometimes it’s good to tell your problems to a complete stranger on a bus.”
She thought for a moment then said, “Well, I just came from my analyst and it appears he still can’t help me.”
I said, “What seems to be the problem?”
She took a deep breath and said, “It turns out that I’m a nymphomaniac and I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name’s Ilene.”
I said, “Hello Ilene. I’m Bucky Goldstein.”
I think Steven Wright has told my story a time or two…
June 16th, 2005 at 7:11 pm
Sire,
Enter the dunkin’ donut’s contest. You may be able to win a coupon to buy all the glazed sticks you’re little heart could desire. Think of how adorable you will look munching on the end of a glazed cruller/now called stick.
https://www.dunkindonuts.com/contests/AutoRecharge.aspx
June 16th, 2005 at 8:23 pm
Sire,
Have you nothing further to add this evening?
Chip Munkey
June 16th, 2005 at 8:25 pm
Sire,
Have you nothing further to add this evening?
Chip Munkey
June 16th, 2005 at 8:54 pm
Good night Sire. I must retire early tonight. Working long hours tires this chip’s munk. Must catch some extra zzz’s or at least try.
I will check in early in the a.m. to see if you’ve made any additions. I hope you will inform us all as to your fortune hunting efforts with the Mass State lottery.
Good night once again Sire.
June 17th, 2005 at 8:28 am
Marm and Scott -
Good stuff. I’m smiling and laughing, but I still want to fight Dr. Laura.
Unanimous, Boss is FOF – funniest of funny.
June 17th, 2005 at 10:44 am
Favorite Scott joke numbers: 24, 25, 29, 33.
Add those to Marm’s 9, 17, 27 (and especially) 20 and you’ve got 9, 17, 20, 24, 25, 27, 29, 33.
Let’s play Keno.
June 17th, 2005 at 10:47 am
Chippy,
I’m going to wait for the Dunkin Donuts $250,000 card contest. I want the big donut dough.
June 17th, 2005 at 5:09 pm
Yes of course Master Squirrel, you must do whatever it takes to float your squirrelie boat.
Ah– Sire this world is a far better place for your presence.
Sire may I wish a wish for you? If you accept my wish this is what my wish for you will be: I wish for you to never, ever find your self stuck up a tree. You are far too good a squirrel for that.
Hail to the Squirrel! Hail to the Squirrel! Hail to the Squirrel!
June 17th, 2005 at 5:10 pm
Oh goodness I’m getting so emotional. There are little chipmunk tears in my eyes. Forgive my weakness Sire.
June 17th, 2005 at 9:48 pm
Rosalind dear,
It disturbs me to see our sweet Rosalind with her nerves tied in a knot or two. I think this Dr. Laura needs to speak to me. Allow me to tighten my bun and then just send her my way. She will never bother you again Rosalind. I will give her a tongue lashing, the likes of which she has never heard before and she will learn her lesson well.
Not to worry dear,
School Marm
June 18th, 2005 at 6:22 am
Before I go back to bed, I just wanted to thank Marm for offering to take out Dr. Laura’s tongue and lash it to a tree.
Dr. Laura can turn an ordinary day into Opposite Day, whatever she says…I do the opposite.
I was really looking forward to beating her fanny…..
June 18th, 2005 at 9:15 am
Dr. Laura is an unpleasant crankshaft.
June 18th, 2005 at 9:38 am
It is best not to listen to her dearies. No More Dr. Laura. Say it over and over again.
I know, I know it is easy to succumb to Dr. Laura’s call on the airwaves just as it is so tempting to look at a terribly gruesome accident by the roadside but you must remain steadfast and listen to Dr. Laura no more!
June 18th, 2005 at 11:39 am
Marm -
I have to listen to Dr. L occasionally, or else how would I know what to do?
In order for me NOT to follow her directives, I must know what they are.
P.S. Hopefully I don’t listen to her long enough to make her ratings go up. After 2-3 minutes, I get her asinine point and then switch to a CD.
June 18th, 2005 at 11:53 am
Sounds like an excellent plan dear. Just don’t let her get your panties in a bunch again.
June 19th, 2005 at 8:29 am
Our Rosalind has not checked in for a while. Hmmm, she must be doing the opposite of what Dr. Laura said to do.
Good for you Rosalind dear.
As for Mr. Squirrel, I suspect the naughty girls must be taking care of Mr. Squirrel’s needs in the punch bowl.