squirrelking.com

Suppose you can’t fall asleep, so you decide to count sheep, but all the counting-sheep are already asleep and they’re snoring loudly — is that called Sheep Apnea?

Day 1 — When I went outside this morning, 147,000 mosquitoes landed on my arm, poked their snouts into my flesh, and then tried to fly away. As a consequence, I accidentally waved to my neighbor.

Day 2 — More rain today, which means more mosquitoes. Soon there will be enough of them to work both of my arms at once. And then I’ll be just one more helpless mosquito puppet.

Day 3 — The mosquitoes have grown to the size of crows. It looks like they’ve eaten all of my squirrels. Little gray bodies are scattered across the lawn like empty beer cans. Not safe to go outside. I think I’ll work from home today.

Day 18 — The mosquitoes have the house surrounded. They are as big as geese now. Soon they will be strong enough to bore through cedar siding, and when that happens, the basement will be my only refuge. For now, mosquito and man play a game of cat and mouse.

Day 31 — Apparently, the mosquitoes anticipated my move to the basement. Last night they plugged the sump pump discharge pipe, and now the basement is filled with rain water. Thank god I’ve read the complete works of Thor Heyerdahl! Today I will build a raft from balsa logs, hemp rope and other materials indigenous to a 21st century American basement.