squirrelking.com

The American Tree Rodent Club (ATRC) recognizes six sizes of show squirrels — Standard, Miniature, Toy, Tiny Toy, Teacup and Nano. All six sizes are considered the same breed. If you are unable to categorize your squirrel, please refer to the following ATRC guidelines:

Standard Squirrel: Approximately 20 inches in total length (including ten inches of tail). Weighs 1-1.5 pounds without field equipment. The skull is thick and round . . . and thick. The teeth are sharp, pointy and coffee-stained. The Standard Squirrel has a delightful springy gait, which often takes it into the path of oncoming vehicles.

Miniature Squirrel: Smaller than a Standard Squirrel. About the size of a Standard Chipmunk or a Toy Woodchuck.

Toy Squirrel: About the size of a Standard Field Mouse or a Miniature Chipmunk. (Toy Squirrel batteries not included.)

Tiny Toy: Even smaller. Too small to carry an acorn without assistance. Can live for six months on one black oil sunflower seed.

Teacup Squirrel: The size of the Queen’s extended pinky finger. Too small to carry a pre-husked sunflower seed. (Note to European readers: the American Teacup Squirrel converts roughly to a 110-gram Metric Teacup Squirrel.)

Nano Squirrel: microscopic self-replicating killer nanorobots bent on world domination. Can carry eight to ten Standard Squirrels or two large bags of White Hut cheeseburgers (including onions).

I have a “salt-and-pepper” beard, but the pepper is fading, and soon I will have a salt beard. Every time I see the beard in a mirror, I am reminded of my favorite Just for Men® Haircolor commercial. In the unlikely event that you do not know exactly which commercial I’m talking about, I will give you a short recap.

In Scene One, product spokesmen Walt “Clyde” Frazier and Keith Hernandez attempt to rescue their prematurely gray pal Emmitt Smith from the Running Back Rest Home. They fear that Emmitt’s gray beard is preventing him from getting laid on a daily basis. The boys are greeted at the home’s front desk by a buxom young woman dressed in cheerleader/nurse fetish wear. The camera pans across the geezer ward, and we see several other freaky fetish nurses tending to an assortment of doddering graybeards. Between scenes, beard technicians restore Emmitt’s beard to its “natural-looking” color, and by the end of Scene Two he is once again surrounded by sexy fetish models (this time waving pom-poms). And so we come full circle.

The Running Back Rest Home ad amuses me. I don’t fall off the sofa laughing or anything, but I do occasionally give it a reclining ovation. Not everyone likes it as much as I do, though. I know this. Some prefer the trippy psychedelia of Just for Men’s Summer of Life ad or the vaudevillian pratfalls of No Play for Mr. Gray. And let us not forget the stubborn few who insist that the entire Just for Men advertising oeuvre is built on a “flawed premise.” I have personally argued with every one of the Stubborn Few, so I am familiar with all two of their talking points. Perpend:

S.F.T.P. #1 — If the gray-bearded consumer is to believe that dye-beards have more sex, then why are the convalescing graybeards surrounded by sexy fetish models while the dye-bearded product spokesmen are only surrounded by other spokesmen? This is ironic, is it not?

S.F.T.P. #2 — Before Emmitt uses the product, he is surrounded by sexy fetish models, but after he uses the product, he is . . . em, still surrounded by sexy fetish models? So what is the product benefit? Is new Emmitt more surrounded than old Emmitt was?

I’ve got to hand it to the Stubborn Few. Their talking points are few, but they are persuasive. Even so, I can’t help wondering if a full-pepper beard would give me an advantage with freaky sexy fetish models. I’m scratching my salty chin and I’m wondering . . . wondering, wondering. And that, my friends, is the power of advertising.