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If you’ve had the displeasure of attending a BlogCo Holiday Party, then you’ve probably slogged through a conversation with our staff geologist, Dr. Cliff Bedload. Dr. Bedload is the founding (and sole) member of the Arts and Crafts School of Geology, a movement which asserts that all mountains are made of papier mâché and baking soda. Dr. Bedload believes this to be unassailable fact, and I don’t argue with him. (Arguing with the Dr. Bedload only encourages him to keep talking.)

Ironically, it was at this year’s BlogCo Holiday Party, during a conversation with the Rock Doc, that I discovered a range of mountains which do not fit “Bedload Model.” These are the Coors Light mountains. The Coors Light Mountains are not “real” mountains, they are logo mountains, and logo mountains are not made of papier mâché and baking soda, they are made of temperature-sensitive ink. This miracle ink causes the mountains on the Coors Light label to turn blue when the beer in the bottle reaches “optimal drinking temperature.” That means cold.

This brings us around to the traditional BlogCo Holiday Beer Tip paragraph. Get out your pencils, kiddies. If the Coors thermo-science-label is too difficult to read when you’re drunk, or if you prefer to drink a more beer-like beer — one which does not travel with an onboard thermometer — then you need some alternative methods for measuring beer coldness. I typically use one of the following two PROVEN METHODS:

PROVEN METHOD #1. First I ask myself if I remembered to put the beer in the refrigerator. If the answer is yes, then I construct a simple syllogism like this one:

The beer is inside the refrigerator.
The inside of the refrigerator is cold.
Therefore, the beer is cold.

This is the Aristotelian method of beer temperature inquiry, and it is the method preferred by ancient and/or dead philosophical Greek beer drinkers.

While the Aristotelian method works at least as well as the Coors method, there are times when I just don’t feel like getting all logical about my beer-temperature problem. On these occasions, I go straight to PROVEN METHOD #2..

PROVEN METHOD #2. Sometimes, when I want to know if my beer is cold, I touch the bottle. If I feel coldness on my fingertips, then I conclude that the beer is cold. That, my friends, is old-school cold.