squirrelking.com

Mr. Noah Webster,
spelling reformer, word monkey and child actor (retired)
c/o the afterlife

Dear Mr. Webster,

I’m very sorry to hear that you’re still dead. I had an excellent idea today, and I wanted to share it with you. It a word thing.

Here’s the gist:

First, I will list the 70,000 words I’ve had to invent over the years to fill the gaps you left in the English language. This list of fake words will include such favorites as Neurotica, and Lambatomy and Passhole. When the list is complete, I will make and eat a chicken sandwich. After the sandwich (ATS), I’ll jot down meanings for each of the fake words I listed before my sandwich break. That should take me right up to dinner time. Since this paragraph is already running long, I’ll have my summer intern, Rosemary Chickenbreasts, arrange my fake words in alphabetical order while I prepare dinner. Finally, I’ll stuff the words, definitions and perhaps a few bits of mustard into a big compendium of fake words called a “Fictionary.”

Send me a message if you dig it, Noah.

P.S.: I enjoyed your TV program.

While taking a tour of Fenway Park on Thursday, a middle school student from Connecticut was attacked by a red-tailed hawk. Team officials told reporters that the bird was protecting its nest, which was installed above the press booth during off-season ballpark renovations. Some eyewitnesses, however, dispute the official explanation.

“It wasn’t a random attack,” said Joe from Bristol, a Sox fan and tour chaperone. “Come on, man, the kid’s name is Alexa Rodriquez. Do I have to friggin’ spell it out for you?”

Sox fans are often ridiculed for their obsession with curses and conspiracy theories. Even so, one may reasonably question some aspects of the “nest defense theory.” For instance, with so many students to choose from, why did the vengeful raptor single out the namesake of a hated Yankee rival? I mean, what are the freakin’ odds, man? Come on!

According to Joe from Bristol, little A-rod was a marked girl. “I don’t care if they sic a freakin’ pterodactyl on me,” Joe said. “I’m just tellin’ it like it is.” The other tour chaperones, many of whom are parents of students, were reluctant to back Joe’s story. The parents of Annie Pettitte, Derika Jeter, Maryanne Rivera and Becky “F***ing” Dent declined numerous interview requests.

You have survived another blog software upgrade. Now you can engage in many new and exciting blog-related acitivities. Unfortunately, I do not know what any of these activities are. Not yet, anyway. Since I know you all look to me for leadership in new-and-exciting-blog-related-activities area, I will do some research and get back to you at my earliest convenience. If I get back to you sooner than that, it will be at my earliest inconvenience.

Thank you. Get back to work.