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While doing play-by-play commentary for the World Series game on Wednesday, Joe Buck’s Giant Head said, “Jeff Francis doesn’t feel the cold tonight. He’s a Canadian, and Canadians are part Yeti.” I am paraphrasing, of course. Joe Buck’s Giant Head used many, many more words to express this theory.

Since the Fox Sports broadcast team occasionally makes statements which are not firmly grounded in science, I asked several REAL CANADIANS FROM CANADA the following two questions:

1. Are you impervious to the cold?

2. Have you or any of your ancestors ever had sex with a Yeti?

In each case the answers were the same: yes and no.

My friends, REAL CANADIANS FROM CANADA do not lie, not even about sexual encounters with furry mythical beasts. Therefore, I conclude that Joe Buck’s Giant Head deliberately overstated the “Yeti factor” in order to ratchet up the hype and boost ratings. Although his theory did correctly identify Canadian cold-imperviousness, it failed to explain why Canadians from all provinces are impervious, and not just those living in the Yeti-dominated Province of Sasquatchewan.

Yesterday, as I was preparing to drive from Point A to Point X, a thoughtful person said to me, “watch out for falling leaves and bears.” That was good advice. The world is a risky place, and falling bears and leaves are only two of the many hazards faced each day by hard-working, laterally-moving people like you and me. Consider the following:

A leaf falling at maximum velocity and at just the right angle will, under certain circumstances, leave a noticeable scratch on your automobile’s fine glossy finish. This is what we call “cosmetic damage.” A bear falling from the same height will put a serious crimp in one or more of your automobile’s crumple zones. We call this “structural damage.”

To understand why a falling bear is more dangerous than a falling leaf, visualize Sir Isaac Newton sitting under his apple tree, watching a bear fall on your car. The force of attraction between the bear and the car is called “gravity,” and Isaac Newton was the smart guy who invented this force. Mr. Newton came from family of clever inventors. As you undoubtedly know, Isaac’s great-great-grandson Wayne invented the casino and the pencil-thin mustache. Wayne’s grandson, Eddie “Tootin’” Newton, invented the Ding King Twist-A-Dent (as seen on TV), which is a useful remedy for most leaf, twig and small meteorite damage.

Hallo, my little liebchens.

Today we will learn the difference between “Schadenfreude” and “Sigmund Freud.” First you will memorize my definitions, and then, as a reward for your hard work, you will be severely disciplined. (Listen up, naughties, I’m talking to you.)

Schadenfreude — malicious enjoyment of the suffering of others.

Sigmund Freud — Austrian psychiatrist who maliciously enjoyed the suffering of others.

Next week we will learn the definition and proper pronounciation of Dasuniversumisteineichhörnchen. Spank you all very much. Class dismissed.

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Thank you all for your support, and always remember the sage advice of my great uncle Alabaster, who said, “Boy, when someone asks your name, try to sound like you know the answer!”

Are you a middle-management atom currently attached to a bile molecule in the Canal of Hering? If so, then you already know TWO IMPORTANT THINGS:

IMPORTANT THING #1 — the Canal of Hering is in the bile duct, not in Norway.

IMPORTANT THING #2 — unless you take immediate action, your already tiny atomic heinie will be downsized by the corporate cost-cutters currently attending my Atomic Downsizing Seminar (see downsizing blog entry below). Have no fear, my friend! If I can help the boss man fix his bottom line, then I can help you save your bottom! Begin by asking yourself this question — can I make space in my crowded headbone for a few more IMPORTANT THINGS? Did I hear a “Yes”? Then make room for the four CONVENIENTLY NUMBERED STEPS in my proven 4-step Atomic Heinie Preservation Program (AHPP!).

Note: if there’s only enough room in your little headbone for three new IMPORTANT THINGS, then delete the Canal of Hering thing before attempting to cram in the AHPP data.

Is everybody with me? Okay, here is my proven 4-step strategy for keeping a sweet biochemical middle-management gig:

1. Call a meeting to discuss your production schedule

2. Revise the production schedule to allow time for more meetings

3. Revise the production schedule spreadsheet to reflect revised production schedule

4. Schedule another meeting (repeat Step 1)

Congratulations, you are now indispensable!

Special Note to atoms in the nervous system: don’t let those nerves stop you from giving my system a try!

for JUST ONE DAY, and then ask yourself, “do these shoes go with my pants?”