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Dear Diary:

Today I spilled coffee on myself.

I lifted the coffee cup as I always do, but this time, inexplicably, it stopped short of my mouth. When I tipped the cup toward me, scalding hot liquid cascaded onto my lap. There was some discomfort, Diary, and my howling jump-dance briefly attracted the attention of my co-workers. Sigh.

The accident caused more than pain and embarrassment. It caused “anticipatory anxiety.” (I looked that up on webMD.com.) Put yourself in my shoes, Diary. Would you feel comfortable walking around Diaryville with a big wet spot on your pants? Oh, that’s right — you don’t wear pants, do you? You don’t wear shoes, either. How can I expect you to understand?

I’ll try to explain. If ten members of the general public see the wet spot on your entirely hypothetical diary pants, then three or four of them will think you’ve peed yourself. (Data supplied by quackMD.com.) But wait, it gets worse. One out of ten viewers will believe that your wet spot was caused by a gang of fugitive lapdancers, who ass-rubbed you beyond the limits of your endurance, causing a seriously messy inter-pant crisis situation. I don’t know about you, buddy, but I don’t want anyone thinking that about me. As if I don’t know when to think about baseball. As if I don’t know when to visualize Queen Elizabeth II waving politely to her cold, nervous and totally understimulated people. Kripes.

Learn from my mistake, Diary. Drink your coffee through a straw. Drop an ice cube into the cup so you don’t burn your tongue (if you have a tongue, that is). If you choose to ignore my advice, then you’re bound to end up like me — chair rolled up under your desk, keyboard pulled out over your lap, patiently waiting for your pants to dry.

Some of the best scenes from those old courtroom television dramas (like Perry Mason) are the ones in which the D.A. asks some poor sucker a really complicated question and then demands a simple yes or no answer. So, I was thinking, it might be fun to try this trick on unsuspecting co-workers. For example, if co-worker Loretta wears a new silk shirt to the office Hawaiian party, you might say, “Do you know exactly how many silkworm cocoons go into each and every medium-sized Don Ho shirt?!” And then, when Loretta stammers, you come right back with, “YES OR NO, co-worker Loretta. Answer the question! YES OR NO!”