squirrelking.com

I’m more than 25% sure that I have never had an affair with Italian supermodel Bianca Balti. However, I am rehearsing for the melodramatic death scene at the end of The Bianca Balti Affair, a soon-to-be-made-for-TV movie and upcoming feature on Spike TV’s Saturday Supermodel Cinema. I think I’m capable of something with the same emotional impact as Frank Sinatra’s death scene at the end of Von Ryan’s Express (1965). When he shot that scene, Frank was undoubtedly showing off for sexy Italian actress and co-star Raffaella Carrà. He was probably trying to over-act his way into Raffaella’s fine Italian pantaloni. That’s what you call method acting.

From behind the front page of the morning paper, wisps of gray fur poke up like dandelions.

Mr. S. skims the day’s stories. “Ah, what’s this,” he mumbles. “Scientists have discovered the planet’s oldest living organism. It never moves, it has no personality, and it has no sex life.”

“So,” Mr S. says, “they finally found me.”