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1864 — Dmitiri Mendeleev devises the Periodic Table of Elements. After completing the table, Mendeleev kicks back and enjoys a few vodka tonics. When he runs low on tonic, Mendeleev mixes vodka with various elements from his new Periodic Table. This groundbreaking experiment in mixology leads directly to the invention of Goldschlager, Zirconiumschlager (as seen on QVC) and Uraniumschlager.

3500 BC — Egyptians smelt iron for the first time. Artisans use this new material to craft the wondrous “Cufflinks of Osiris” and the world’s first flatiron. Later that year, Norwegians use Egyptian flatirons to iron smelts for the first time. The fishcake is invented shortly thereafter. In 3490 BC, Egyptians use imported Norwegian fishcakes to build the Great Food Pyramid of Giza.

The weather guy on Channel 3 said he wasn’t confident about his weekend “futurecast.” He said his models were inconsistent. Seems to me, if the guy wants an accurate weather forecast, he should ask a meteorologist, not a model. You can’t blame him for keeping weather models on staff, though. They are soooooo hot.

HOUSTON – International Space Station astronauts donned protective gear yesterday after a foul odor leaked from cosmonaut Pavel Vinogradov. Vinogradov, who had spent the entire morning unloading space meals from a visiting Soyuz TMA-9 capsule, was deeply embarrassed by the incident. “I could not resist NASA food item called ‘Old World Stew,’” he said. “I am made to blush by gas leak. My face is redder than Politburo.”

In his report to Mission Control in Houston, astronaut Jeff Williams described the smell of burning onions, rubber, and pinto beans. Mission Control said these smells likely came from two sources — the space station’s microwave oven, and an overheated rubber gasket in Vinogradov’s SSPM (Space Station Pants Module).

Scientists want to know what’s under Europa’s icy crust. I think it’s either strawberry rhubarb or mango custard. What do you think?

My friends, do not believe those fairy tales about “the birds and the bees”. Neither the giant Wood Stork nor the Blue-Footed Booby nor the pudgy American Robin can get busy with the tiny buzzing bee. Although birds and bees are naturally attracted to each other, their size differential is far too large to overcome. This is not an absolute rule, of course. An abnormally small hummingbird could get it on with an abnormally large bumble bee under ideal circumstances. But, even then, the bumble bee would have to be on top. Otherwise the little fellow would be crushed at the height of passion, and he would cease to be. This would be tragic in at least two ways.

That said, there are probably still one or two true believers out there who refuse to let go of this “birds and bees” myth. Do not worry, I have saved my most compelling argument for last. Answer me this, true believers — if birds and bees are having sex, then why don’t we see any bumblebirds?

I rest my case.

Mesopotamian demons are bad news. Of all the demons I’ve had in my computer, the Mesopotamian demons were far and away the worst trash talkers. So, if you’ve got to have 2,800 year old demon in your computer, you probably want to go with an Assyrian or maybe even a Babylonian demon.

I’m sure you won’t take my word for it, though. Fine, fine. Everyone has to learn the hard way.

Have you ever noticed how the edges of South America and Africa seem to fit together? I haven’t either, but Kevin Bacon has, and so has his brother Sir Francis. The Bacon brothers first noticed this peculiarity in the 17th century, just a few hundred years before they noticed how Kevin could be connected to any other person on the planet through a chain of six acquaintances.

Oop, I seem to be drifting off topic already. Let’s see . . . Bacon brothers, acquaintances, continents . . . ah, yes, the continents. . . .

Today, scientists believe that the Earth’s continents were once part of a gigantic loaf-shaped supercontinent, called Au Bon Pangaea. Over time, this earth-loaf eroded until there was nothing left but the crust. Just like Lennon and McCartney, these scraps of continental crust got sick of each other and began to drift apart. This process, oddly enough, is called “continental drift.” According to geologist (yawn), the Earth’s surface is still moving and reforming, but it’s happening so slowly that you wouldn’t even notice it unless you happened to be staring at a particular land mass for several million years, which is kind of unlikely.

Here’s another unlikely scenario. Suppose you went for a nice float in Earth’s orbit during the Triassic Period, and suppose you remembered to bring your spacesuit and your eyeglasses. You probably would have seen the continents connected like the pieces of a giant jigsaw puzzle. The bulge of Africa poked the coast of North America, and South America fit into the coast of Africa beneath the bulge. All the female continents were attracted to Africa, because Africa had the biggest bulge.

That’s all there is to say about that.

Oh, by the way, shortly after they discovered continental drift, the Bacon brothers discovered the Continental Breakfast — a selection of bread, rolls or croissants with butter or jam, coffee or tea, but no bacon.

Before moving to Vegas, Wayne Newton spent several years at Woolsthorpe Manor in Grantham, Lincolnshire. It was at Woolsthorpe that Newton developed his three famous laws of motion and his two not-so-famous laws of commotion.

Do copper nipple clips relieve arthritic nipple pain?

I’m just askin’.

The garage door opener has no respect for me. I dunno, it’s like I push it’s buttons or something. One time, I pushed the wall-mounted button and then walked around the back of my car as the garage door opened. The door grabbed my jacket as I passed by, and it tried to hoist me to the ceiling. That was mildly upsetting.

Which of the following is NOT a subatomic particle?
A. The Quark
B. The Neutrino
C. The Beanburrito

Which of the following physicists was also a Las Vegas lounge singer?
A. Albert Einstein
B. Max Planck
C. Wayne Neutron

Ingestion of the Beanburrito causes which of the following?
A. Short term memory loss
B. Loosening of the astroid belt
C. Emission of charged atomic particles

The Betty pill is golden brown. She is apple-flavored, too. Betty is the dessert vitamin of the Flintstones chewable collection. The others call her “Apple Brown Betty.”

Wouldn’t it solve a lot of problems if the first two monkeys were named Adam and Eve?

As previously mentioned, I plan to use the Periodic Table of Elements to win Keno millions. For my first go at it, I selected the atomic numbers of four elements which are essential building blocks of squirrels. I also selected the atomic numbers of six elements which are essential building blocks of the fortune I expect to win playing Atomic Keno. The squirrel-based atomic numbers are 1 (hydrogen), 6 (carbon), 7 (nitrogen), and 8 (oxygen). I would have also chosen the atomic numbers of bird seed, acorns, and suet, but these elements — though critical to the survival of the squirrel species — have not yet been numbered by human scientists. My six loot-based atomic numbers are 79 (gold), 47 (silver), 78 (platinum), 22 (titanium), plus the pocket-change numbers 29 (copper), and 28 (nickel).

More when the results come in.

Recently, I found the following note taped to my office door.

Dear Mr. Squirrel,

What happens to our brains when we get hangovers?

Signed, the naughty girls

That’s a very good question, naughty girls. I’m glad you asked.

During the digestion process, your fine female bodies break alcohol down into its most basic components: vinegar and baking soda. Now try to remember that papier mache volcano you made for the science fair last week. If each of your skulls were a little pigtailed volcano, then your alcohol-soaked brains would be the lava burbling just below the papier mache surface.

Here’s the tricky part.

When vinegar (an acid) reacts with baking soda (a base), carbon dioxide bubbles form. These bubbles float all the way up to the top of the head, causing the brain to blow up like an angry bouncer. The swelling pushes the outside of the brain against the inside of the headbone, which causes the pigtails to tighten, which causes one heck of a headache.

I hope this answers your question, naughty girls, and I hope you will think twice before opening another case of School Marm’s Strawberry Hill Wine.

According to Scientists at the International Institute of Dating, when a lady meets a squirrel, she makes irreversible decisions about his date-worthiness within the first seven seconds.

Just my luck. I don’t hit my stride until at least the eight or nine second mark.

FDA officials are investiging reports that Viagra users are going blind.

Looks like mom was right after all.

In an effort to steer Americans away from risky food choices, the government unveiled a new food pyramid yesterday. The pyramid, which was designed by Peter Max and Tom Ridge, uses colored vertical bars to represent the threat level of each major food group.

The Food Pyramid Security Advisory System’s color code breaks down as follows:

Purple — Supersized risk of meat and bean gas attack.

Red — Severe risk of attack by fibrous fruits, particularly those high in (or high on) potassium.

Orange — High risk of eating more than 3 ounces of whole grains.

Yellow — Back away from the frialator. Elevated risk of lard and/or tallow attack on heartland.

Blue — Moderate risk of abdominal cramps, bloating and flatulence after ingestion of dairy products.

Green — Low risk of eating your veggies.

For undisclosed reasons, the government also added an M.C. Escher stairway to the food pyramid.

1. Man discovered diamonds 4,000 years ago in the riverbeds of the Golconda, India. Shortly thereafter, man invented the argyle sweater vest.

2. Russia, Australia and Brazil are the world’s largest producers of argyle diamonds.

3. Argyle diamonds are as hard as diamonds and as soft as lambs’ wool.

4. Argyle diamonds are not a girl’s best friend, but they’re the perfect fit for downtown retro pimps and golf-loving accountants.

Once invented, closets tended to be square. In fact, most of the places and things we use for storage are square — the dresser, the armoir, the bed (where we store ourselves), the Bobinizer (invented and sold by Bob of Bob’s Discount Furniture), the refrigerator, even the the house itself (the container that holds all the containers that hold our things) is square. Yet, most things used to hold food and drink are round.

Why?