Friends, Rodents, Countrymen,
Today, with gin and tonic season in full bloom, with more sweaty Americans sitting in the punch bowl than ever before, with the naughty girls safely stowed under School Marm’s desk — the state of our blog is hot, humid and hung-over. (Applause.)
Since our last State of the Blog Address, we have talked much and accomplished little. It was a team effort. (Rah, rah, rah!) As a team we have embraced the true spirit of laziness. So let us not waste time talking about the things we haven’t accomplished. Let us take the lazier way and waste time talking about the things we’ve already wasted time talking about. (Warning, rehash section to follow.)
We spent the better part of a week discussing my sister’s unfortunate bundt cake fetish. We carefully measured the amount of torque (in gin and tonics per hour) required to make Rosalind® spin “like the flying twister bed in Wizard of Oz.” We established an S&M golf tournament called “The Masters” for the sole purpose of foisting my coveted red valet-parking jackets on unsuspecting and submissive golfers. We learned that School Marm went to school with Fernando Lama, who may or may not have worn Tony Lama antique brown full-quill ostrich boots. We coined the phrase “going Tony,” which either means getting naked or attaching two Yorkshire Terriers to one’s nether regions. (I prefer the former.) We founded the Church of Skortsporkology. And, after vigorous debate, we concluded that Rhode Island Red is a chicken’s favorite color.
There were personal milestones, too.
In the first six months of 2005, Rosalind® collected 567 Big City parking tickets. She became afraid of parking situations, but she never avoided them — not even when Auntie Lulu asked her to run out for Jell-O at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning. After the traumatic Jell-O incident, Rosalind struggled to restore her inner balance. She tried putting hot rocks on her back, sniffing beer (and other aromatic libations), and standing on her roof during an electrical storm with a wire hanger in each hand. I don’t know which thing worked, but something certainly did, because a direct lightening strike failed to knock little Rosalind® off of her crumbling Victorian home’s rooftop. It did, however, cause the image of Sainte Plaster du Paris to miraculously appear on her bedroom ceiling.
Sadly, School Marm did not meet a good man at the Stop and Shop deli counter, but she did meet a kosher dill pickle, a cucumber (sprinkled with salt), and a foot-long chicken dog. Kudos to Marm for helping me remove the curse from my unlucky (and possibly evil) socks with that Hocus Pocus Dominocus stuff. Never forget the Dominocus, my friends. The Dominocus is the most important part of the sock spell. School Marm also worked tirelessly to keep the naughty girls under control and under her desk. Fortunately for every good boy who loves bad girls, she was not able to do either.
In the first and second quarters of this fiscal year, Chipmunky delivered several rousing pep talks, reminding us always to keep our backs straight and our tails fluffed. For this, I promoted Chippy to the largely ceremonial Minister of Morale position. It is comforting to know that whenever my spirits sag, Chippy will step up and say something like, “Brilliant diddly, O Masterful One,” or “Wave that bushy tail in defiance, Sire.” Please, everyone give it up for the Munkey. (Applause.) It is also worth noting that on at least one occasion Chippy ate a roasted turkey bagel sandwich with lettuce, tomato, onion, provolone and light swipe malaise.
Dr. Scott Spotman, our new Science Editor, has spent much of his time at BlogCo searching for the stripper with the lazy eye. He has also helped us with our gin and tonic torque calculations, and when he wasn’t busy shooting various wavelengths of light into carpet stains, Dr. Scott told us the best (and only) electron joke any of us have ever heard. Let’s hear it for Dr. Scott’s electrons! (Applause.)
As I prepare this address, McSwing remains enigmatic. We know only that McSwing knows Poetry Hall of Famer and sports prognosticator, Larry the Argyle Accountant. I say, any friend of the Argyle Accountant is a friend of mine.
That brings us to the naughty girls. What can I say about the naughties? Even though they are at least partially imaginary, their naughtiness is real and irrepressible. The naughties (especially Johanna) are an inspiration to us all, especially me. Now give me my pencil, you wicked thing.
What about me? What have I done since the last State of the Blog Address? Well, after much soul searching, I finally went public with my nearly heroic rescue of the grouchy man in the cigar-smoke-filled Cadillac. Although I most certainly saved this fellow from a minor door ding, I do not consider myself a hero. (Book deal in the works.) I also began work on a triple-X adult version of Mary Poppins. One song has already been published to the blog. Two others are in the can but may be too dirty for publication.
We have had less frequent visitors, too, and I hope they will play greater roles in BlogCo’s future. DJ Spoz left three funny messages where no one would find them, and my very tall neighbor 2Sides visited but left when I began to make her itch. Don’t let me forget to mention Julie Spotman and my fake cousin Bonnie Burton, who invented the internet. Finally, I would like to encourage all of the invisible visitors to consider visibility at this time. That means you, Cornfed. We talk for days on end about stains and squirrels and hangovers, for crissakes. We need your help.
I’d like to close with something truly inspirational, but since I can’t think of anything inspirational, I’ll just close.
Thank you America, and good night. (Applause.)
