squirrelking.com

Favorite Things

Camisoles, teddies and French negligee-ays
Tall sexy ladies in hot lingerie-ay
Throw in some acorns ’cause I’m the squirrel king
These are a few of my fav-o-rite things!

Spanking soft bottoms with stiff wooden spoo-oons
Rubbing girls’ pink parts in dingy saloo-oons
Bouncing fine ladies on squeaky bed springs
These are a few of my fav-o-rite things

When the Dog fights
When the Squirrel sings
When you’re feeling poor
Give me a few of my favorite things
Or I will sing some more!

Squirrel diddle diddle diddle Squirrel diddle ay
Squirrel diddle diddle diddle Squirrel diddle ay

Squirrelpercalifragilistisexpialidocious!
Even though the squirrel is tame
it can be quite ferocious
When it has a beer or two
it’s conduct is atrocious
Squirrelpercalifragilistisexpialidocious!

Squirrel diddle diddle diddle Squirrel diddle ay
Squirrel diddle diddle diddle Squirrel diddle ay

Because I was afraid to spank
When I was just a pup
A lady gave my crank a yank
And made my crank stand up
My crank stood up and I sat down
and sang this happy song
which uses adjectives and nouns
to describe my schlong:

Squirrelpercalifragilistisexpialidocious!
Even though the squirrel is tame
it can be quite ferocious
When it has a beer or two
it’s conduct is atrocious
Squirrelpercalifragilistisexpialidocious!

Squirrel diddle diddle diddle Squirrel diddle ay
Squirrel diddle diddle diddle Squirrel diddle ay

Avast, me maties,

Have ye been wishin’ to fondle a saucy wench’s treasure chest? Are ye swinging your John Thomas like a yardarm but missing the lubber’s hole? Can ye even remember the last time your little buccaneer sang “hoo-ray and up she rises”? Well, if you aren’t getting enough action below decks, say “frigate!” and enroll in Cap’n Roger Jolly’s School of Seduction and Piracy!

What’s that? Not convinced? Do I have to draw ye a treasure map, me hardy? Let me put this in terms ye can understand. When you’re finished with my course, you’ll be poking cannon through more portholes than the Spanish Armada! Har! Now what say ye?

Sign up now! Every day, my QUALIFIED INSTRUCTORS teach ordinary pirates like you how to . . .

1. Seduce a wench with sea shanties

2. Get under her skirt faster than she can say hardy-har-harlot.

3. Persuade her to play your hornpipe

4. Take a tongue tour of her briny deep

5. Poke her love locker with yer belayin’ pin

6. Plug her bung hole, storm her poop deck, and navigate her windward passage

7. Invent unsavory metaphors

*Sign up today and receive a FREE shoulder-mounted parrot trained to feed you smooth lines at critical moments. Visa and Mastercard accepted. Operators are standing by.

Wenches, prepare to be boarded!

One time, when I was a young and inexperienced bald man, I told a naked woman that I was afraid of her. After that, she never missed an opportunity to jump out from behind large objects and yell “Boo!” at me. Needless to say this was very traumatic. To deal with the trauma, and to help other emotional cripples, I have developed Dr. Oldbaldguy’s Naked Woman Anxiety Treatment Program. (Warning: this may not be covered by all insurance plans.)

Week One: Introduction.

The old bald man responds to danger in one of three ways — he flees, freezes, or drinks shots. While these responses work well when the perceived danger is a large predator (like a dinosaur or a bouncer) they are completely ineffective with the naked woman. The reason for this is simple. Bouncer = bad. Dinosaur = bad. Naked woman = good. The old bald man’s primitive wiring is entirely overwhelmed by that which pleases and frightens at the same time.

So what’s to be done? The first step, of course, is to admit that you have a problem. Let’s begin.

If you’re not sure whether or not you’re showing symptoms of Naked Woman Fear Syndrome (NWFS), ask yourself the following questions:

1. If you are afraid to speak to naked women in public, do you try to overcome this fear by imagining that your audience is naked?

2. When conversation becomes awkward, do you create elaborate post-it note presentations and/or slide shows to communicate with a naked woman?

3. Have you postponed your mid-life crisis because you are afraid to speak to a naked woman?

4. Do you think that naked women will find you irresistible if you wear your “lucky shirt”? (If so, your problem is beyond the scope of this course.)

Next week: effective treatment strategies.

Those old sea dogs will do just about anything to boost traffic on the website. The link said “see panties.” I swear it did.

http://www.shanty.org/

A lady friend used to call my most-male-part “the monkey.” With this in mind, I call your attention to the recent Yahoo story titled “Study shows monkeys suffer from depression.”

The researchers’ conclusions are as follows:

1. When isolated, monkeys become depressed. When depressed, monkeys withdraw. (True. This is commonly called shrinkage.)

2. Depressed monkeys are more likely to occupy a “subordinate role.” (Ooh, sounds kinky. Researchers don’t say how monkeys feel about spanking. Maybe that goes without saying.)

3. When a monkey is with someone it knows very well, it is less likely to count every favor given. (That’s a lie! The monkey will ALWAYS count EVERY favor given, no matter who gives the favors or how often. Some monkeys even make lists, for Chrissake.)

4. When threatened, the monkey “makes itself large and scary.” (It should be obvious by now, this study is junk science. Not only is #4 false, the opposite is true. Anyone who has ever had a frightened monkey knows that the last thing it wants to do is get “large and scary.”)

It came to me in a dream. No, not a dream, a Turducken tryptophan hallucination!

click here

By the way, that isn’t a giant needle; it’s a turducken baster.

Although it’s slim profile will surely appeal to men and women alike, the new Motorola RAZR V3 is a man-phone. There was a need in the marketplace, and it was a man need.

The male cellphone user has a peculiar problem. Some things just don’t look right in his front pants pocket. In fact, some things look wrong. Very wrong. Cucumbers, for example, and cheeselogs and cellphones. Are you catching my drift yet?

Therefore, man-persons, I say this to you directly. Cellphones are useful things. They give you instant “anytime access” to everything you love — friends, relatives, bookies, business associates, ex-girlfriends, take-out food, and the phone sex industry. Carry the whole world in your pocket if you must, but, please, try not to look too excited about it. No one wants to see a man with a phoner.

You’re thinking ahead now, aren’t you? Are there not occasions, you wonder, when a man may have a big stiffy in his pants and not care if the whole world knows it? Of course there are. Who among us has not proudly displayed his little monkey friend once or twice? But what if the aroused male also has a bulky cellphone in his pocket? The results will be freakish, no? That man will appear to have two erections at once, and while this may appeal to a few fetishists, it will certainly frighten the rest of us.

Bottom line — if you want to look ordinary, the extraordinarily expensive Motorola RAZR is the phone for you.